health
How foster children respond to stress
10/10/2009 00:00
By the time I ended up at my first Foster Care home, so much had been taken from me. I no longer had a sense of self, family, belonging, comfort, familiarity, unconditional love, trust, confidence (let’s face it, this comes from stability), and hope! If I use my adult voice I can explain that I was angry, hurt, devastated, abandoned, emotionally disconnected, physically beaten, verbally abused, ridiculed by society and my peers, and completely petrified! I am almost 4 years old.
These words are from Jenny, at www.fostercareinamerica.com. She and her brother Mat write about their memories of childhood. If ever you have stared at your foster child and wondered what is going on, you will find insight here. It’s a unique perspective and we applaud Jenny for having the courage and the energy to show it.
We find those two paragraphs quite hard to read. They represent the stripping away, for a child, of all that they have known. And at 4 years of age, a child has little left.
What is compelling about Jenny’s post is how she talks about the rage that came, unbidden and usually unexpectedly.
These episodes came without warning, calm one minute, and then the rage would surface.
Are you surprised? That a child of four might respond this way?
Mat on the other hand, describes withdrawing, shutting down.
We’ve been highlighting an article from the American Academy of Pediatrics – Developmental Issues for Young children in Foster Care. It has a section on the response in children to psychological stress.
Physical and mental abuse during the first few years of life tends to fix the brain in an acute stress mode that makes the child respond in a hyper-vigilant, fearful manner.
When a child is under acute stress, the typical ‘fight’ response to stress may change from crying – because that was unsuccessful – to temper tantrums, aggressive behaviour, or inattention and withdrawal.
The child, rather than physically running away - the ‘flight’ response, may psychologically disengage. It’s called the freeze response – a child may react to alarm or stress by ceasing any activity. Adults unfamiliar with the child may think they are uncooperative.
We’ve found the article very enlightening, and quite scary. Because it is telling us that these experiences can have a profound impact on a child.
So that’s why we love fostercareinamerica.com. Because Jen shows us how kids can come through. She celebrates the overcoming of adversity for the most vulnerable in society. She shows us it is possible. As carers, faced with a small bundle or anger/anxiety/silence, that’s good to remember.
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Attachment issues for children in foster care
01/09/2009 21:13
The next section of the superb article from the American Academy of Pediatrics covers attachment. Specifically, what is required in order for a child to develop into a healthy human being. Again, we will put the report in our own words in the hope that we can make it a little more accessible.
Not surprisingly, the child needs a relationship with an adult who exhibits the behaviour of a loving, caring parent – nurturing, protection, trust and security. Attachment refers to the relationship between a child and another – that is, two people, and forms the basis for long term relationships.
They state that attachment is an active process. By that they mean something is always happening regarding attachment for children. Children in a poor family circumstance don’t go into limbo while parents and support agencies work things out (we’ve said that before and we’ll say it again.) So attachment at such a time can be both insecure and maladaptive – meaning faulty or inadequate. The child may be actively learning that attachment is faulty, or insecure, or inadequate, not healthy, or enduring, or wonderful.
And in case anyone was wondering: ‘attachment to a primary caregiver (…who provides nurturing, protection, trust and security…) is essential to the development of emotional security and social conscience’ (page 1146).
So far so clear. Attachment issues affect self-esteem and long term relationships. What else?
The article states that the ‘optimal’ child development occurs when a range of the child’s needs are consistently met over an extended period. We’ve paraphrased this concept before and made it personal to us: the Camper deserves to know that there is another day tomorrow that will be, in relation to all the essential elements like nurturing, protection, trust and security, exactly the same as the one she has just had.
And it goes the other way too. Successful parenting is based on a healthy, respectful and long-lasting relationship with the child. In many cases it is highly likely that a birth parent never had this opportunity with their parent, and was unable to provide it for their child. So the cycle begins.
It is the process of parenting – looking after the child’s emotional and psychological needs, as well as their biological needs – that leads a child to perceive a particular adult as his or her parent. And that’s the person they attach to. And the strength of that relationship plays a big part in helping a child overcome early stress or trauma.
So the real risk for children in and out of foster care is that they might fail to form healthy attachments to anyone. They don’t have an adult who is devoted to them, and who accepts and values them for the long term. And in our experience, many of the interactions with both workers and birth family, unless handled with great skill and care, can undermine the forming of that attachment and cause the child more stress and insecurity.
Separation during the first year of life, especially in the first 6 months, may not have a negative effect on social or emotional development.
Separations between 6 months and 3 years of age, if they come about as a result of family breakdown and disruption, are more likely to have ongoing emotional consequences for the child. This is partly due to their age and how they feel around strangers, but also because they do not have the language skills at this age to fully express themselves and make sense of it.
Children older than 3 years when placed with a new family are likely to have the language skills to help them deal with the change. They are at an age where they are able to form strong attachments.
The section concludes with the statement ‘the emotional consequences of multiple placements or disruptions are likely to be harmful at any age.’
So we need to provide stability and long term nurturing for these children? Doesn’t sound too hard, does it?
Not surprisingly, the child needs a relationship with an adult who exhibits the behaviour of a loving, caring parent – nurturing, protection, trust and security. Attachment refers to the relationship between a child and another – that is, two people, and forms the basis for long term relationships.
They state that attachment is an active process. By that they mean something is always happening regarding attachment for children. Children in a poor family circumstance don’t go into limbo while parents and support agencies work things out (we’ve said that before and we’ll say it again.) So attachment at such a time can be both insecure and maladaptive – meaning faulty or inadequate. The child may be actively learning that attachment is faulty, or insecure, or inadequate, not healthy, or enduring, or wonderful.
And in case anyone was wondering: ‘attachment to a primary caregiver (…who provides nurturing, protection, trust and security…) is essential to the development of emotional security and social conscience’ (page 1146).
So far so clear. Attachment issues affect self-esteem and long term relationships. What else?
The article states that the ‘optimal’ child development occurs when a range of the child’s needs are consistently met over an extended period. We’ve paraphrased this concept before and made it personal to us: the Camper deserves to know that there is another day tomorrow that will be, in relation to all the essential elements like nurturing, protection, trust and security, exactly the same as the one she has just had.
And it goes the other way too. Successful parenting is based on a healthy, respectful and long-lasting relationship with the child. In many cases it is highly likely that a birth parent never had this opportunity with their parent, and was unable to provide it for their child. So the cycle begins.
It is the process of parenting – looking after the child’s emotional and psychological needs, as well as their biological needs – that leads a child to perceive a particular adult as his or her parent. And that’s the person they attach to. And the strength of that relationship plays a big part in helping a child overcome early stress or trauma.
So the real risk for children in and out of foster care is that they might fail to form healthy attachments to anyone. They don’t have an adult who is devoted to them, and who accepts and values them for the long term. And in our experience, many of the interactions with both workers and birth family, unless handled with great skill and care, can undermine the forming of that attachment and cause the child more stress and insecurity.
Separation during the first year of life, especially in the first 6 months, may not have a negative effect on social or emotional development.
Separations between 6 months and 3 years of age, if they come about as a result of family breakdown and disruption, are more likely to have ongoing emotional consequences for the child. This is partly due to their age and how they feel around strangers, but also because they do not have the language skills at this age to fully express themselves and make sense of it.
Children older than 3 years when placed with a new family are likely to have the language skills to help them deal with the change. They are at an age where they are able to form strong attachments.
The section concludes with the statement ‘the emotional consequences of multiple placements or disruptions are likely to be harmful at any age.’
So we need to provide stability and long term nurturing for these children? Doesn’t sound too hard, does it?
Developmental issues for young children in foster care
10/08/2009 22:08
If you follow us on Twitter you will have seen us highlight this article from the American Academy of Pediatrics a week or so ago. It’s called Developmental Issues for Young Children in Foster Care, and while it was published in November 2000, it is as relevant today as it was then.
We’d recommend you read it. Really. If you are a carer, or about to become a carer, read it.
It’s one of the most complete analyses of some of the early development issues faced by children in care in their early years. It’s an academic article, so you’ll find the language, well, academic. Don’t be put off. There are so many relevant points in it we were nodding at nearly every paragraph.
We found much of our foster care training focused on the high level issues you and your foster child will face. It wasn’t until we were in charge of a small person who had so much to make up, that we realised we needed a lot more information on how to accelerate learning and development, if that was indeed possible, and how to deal with the real day to day issues around attachment.
We think this article is so useful that over the next few posts we’re going to highlight some of the key aspects of it. Now we are not child psychologists. But we’ve faced so many of these issues with the Camper, that it’s not academic to us anymore.
Early brain and child development
Let’s paraphrase the article: brain growth and development are most active in the early years of life – that’s when personality traits, learning processes, and coping with stress and emotions are established and then become permanent for children.
For children who have little stimulation, or who deal with child abuse or family violence, this development may either stall or be impaired.
What is needed to let children develop their cognitive (perception, memory, judgment and reasoning), language and socialisation skills is stimulation and nurturing. So as a carer, you might find you need to do more than just attend to the physical needs of this child. While the system has hopefully prevented it happening further, you need to repair.
You may need to take on some serious activity and stimulation. We did. When faced with a child failing to thrive we planned each day to cover many experiences. Among other things we sang, played, ran, hopped, jumped, swam, did kindy gym, talked endlessly and explained everything, played with words, mimicked one another, played with water and sand, played upside down, cuddled animals - both real and soft, chose and cherished special comfort toys, and read stories every single day. There were lots of social experiences too, visits to parks and playgrounds, shopping centres and coffee shops, family and friends’ homes. And there were lots of cuddles, and giggles, and routine.
You need to make sure you talk to all the resources at your disposal – workers, paediatricians, health services and others – to work out what may be needed for your foster child, and in fact what is possible.
But we can tell you we are in awe of what a child is able to achieve. And the more you can invest in them, the better chance they’ll have.
We’d recommend you read it. Really. If you are a carer, or about to become a carer, read it.
It’s one of the most complete analyses of some of the early development issues faced by children in care in their early years. It’s an academic article, so you’ll find the language, well, academic. Don’t be put off. There are so many relevant points in it we were nodding at nearly every paragraph.
We found much of our foster care training focused on the high level issues you and your foster child will face. It wasn’t until we were in charge of a small person who had so much to make up, that we realised we needed a lot more information on how to accelerate learning and development, if that was indeed possible, and how to deal with the real day to day issues around attachment.
We think this article is so useful that over the next few posts we’re going to highlight some of the key aspects of it. Now we are not child psychologists. But we’ve faced so many of these issues with the Camper, that it’s not academic to us anymore.
Early brain and child development
Let’s paraphrase the article: brain growth and development are most active in the early years of life – that’s when personality traits, learning processes, and coping with stress and emotions are established and then become permanent for children.
For children who have little stimulation, or who deal with child abuse or family violence, this development may either stall or be impaired.
What is needed to let children develop their cognitive (perception, memory, judgment and reasoning), language and socialisation skills is stimulation and nurturing. So as a carer, you might find you need to do more than just attend to the physical needs of this child. While the system has hopefully prevented it happening further, you need to repair.
You may need to take on some serious activity and stimulation. We did. When faced with a child failing to thrive we planned each day to cover many experiences. Among other things we sang, played, ran, hopped, jumped, swam, did kindy gym, talked endlessly and explained everything, played with words, mimicked one another, played with water and sand, played upside down, cuddled animals - both real and soft, chose and cherished special comfort toys, and read stories every single day. There were lots of social experiences too, visits to parks and playgrounds, shopping centres and coffee shops, family and friends’ homes. And there were lots of cuddles, and giggles, and routine.
You need to make sure you talk to all the resources at your disposal – workers, paediatricians, health services and others – to work out what may be needed for your foster child, and in fact what is possible.
But we can tell you we are in awe of what a child is able to achieve. And the more you can invest in them, the better chance they’ll have.
Call for obese kids to be taken into care
04/02/2009 21:35
Sorry for the slight delay in posting. We’ve had lots of changes in the last couple of weeks, not the least of which has been the start of the school year and settling into a new routine.
While we’re on the subject of weight, we can tell you that on the face of it this article made us choke over our low fat breakfast cereal.
The first paragraph reads ‘SEVERELY obese children should be notified to child protection authorities, and even taken into care, if their parents are unwilling or unable to help them lose weight, experts have argued.’
We get REALLY annoyed at the apparent ease with which some ‘experts’ in child services use the term ‘taken into care’ in relation to children. Really. Annoyed.
Many children don’t get the best care from their parents. They don’t get the right diet, or the right attention, or the right education. Where do you draw the line?
We’re not social workers, and we have some sympathy for them in working out where the line should be. But poor parenting is different to negligent or dangerous parenting. The risk with articles like this is that we all end up talking about taking children off their birth families as if it’s a nice little holiday the child might go on.
Well it isn’t. And it shouldn’t be shanghaied by anyone just to reinforce the seriousness of an issue.
The Camper is currently watching a new dog find its way around our house, yard and life. She’s been involved in the whole process of finding and bringing home the new pup. She is very interested because she knows that at a young age she went through the same dislocation. So it has given us a good opportunity to discuss how a dog, and by extension, a child, might feel, and act, and deal.
We want to send a note to all the ‘experts’ to use the words ‘taken into care’ carefully.
We don’t take those words lightly, because we are at the working end of that decision. We have a child in care, and we know the effort we have had to put in to making her feel secure, the deep seated trauma she suffered in being removed from her birth family, and the complexity of her ongoing relationship with her birth family. We have no doubt the decision was the right one for her but we are glad it wasn’t taken lightly.
Taking a child into care is, and should remain, the ultimate act to secure their future.
To suggest that careless, ill-educated or simply lazy parents should be threatened with it is completely wrong. And it encourages the general public, reading a headline, to discount the real impact of such a decision.
Posted by EssentialMum
While we’re on the subject of weight, we can tell you that on the face of it this article made us choke over our low fat breakfast cereal.
The first paragraph reads ‘SEVERELY obese children should be notified to child protection authorities, and even taken into care, if their parents are unwilling or unable to help them lose weight, experts have argued.’
We get REALLY annoyed at the apparent ease with which some ‘experts’ in child services use the term ‘taken into care’ in relation to children. Really. Annoyed.
Many children don’t get the best care from their parents. They don’t get the right diet, or the right attention, or the right education. Where do you draw the line?
We’re not social workers, and we have some sympathy for them in working out where the line should be. But poor parenting is different to negligent or dangerous parenting. The risk with articles like this is that we all end up talking about taking children off their birth families as if it’s a nice little holiday the child might go on.
Well it isn’t. And it shouldn’t be shanghaied by anyone just to reinforce the seriousness of an issue.
The Camper is currently watching a new dog find its way around our house, yard and life. She’s been involved in the whole process of finding and bringing home the new pup. She is very interested because she knows that at a young age she went through the same dislocation. So it has given us a good opportunity to discuss how a dog, and by extension, a child, might feel, and act, and deal.
We want to send a note to all the ‘experts’ to use the words ‘taken into care’ carefully.
We don’t take those words lightly, because we are at the working end of that decision. We have a child in care, and we know the effort we have had to put in to making her feel secure, the deep seated trauma she suffered in being removed from her birth family, and the complexity of her ongoing relationship with her birth family. We have no doubt the decision was the right one for her but we are glad it wasn’t taken lightly.
Taking a child into care is, and should remain, the ultimate act to secure their future.
To suggest that careless, ill-educated or simply lazy parents should be threatened with it is completely wrong. And it encourages the general public, reading a headline, to discount the real impact of such a decision.
Posted by EssentialMum
Too fat to adopt?
22/01/2009 21:58
This UK couple has been told they cannot adopt because the husband is classed as ‘morbidly obese’. This is tricky territory, so we will tread carefully.
The husband acknowledges he is ‘too fat’. The local authority states ‘The council's adoption service has a legal responsibility to ensure that children are placed with adopters who are able to provide the best possible lifelong care’.
We get to play both sides of the debate on this blog. So here they are.
There are many parents who are obese, who smoke, who drink, who do recreational drugs. In most of those instances they are not denied the right to parent their birth children.
So on the face of it, are we applying a double standard to prospective adoptive or foster parents who may not be ‘perfect’?
On the other hand, there are a number of parents out there whose alcohol or drug habits have spiralled out of control, or who have mental health and other issues. They have had their children removed from their care for the children’s safety. Those children have already suffered loss in their lives.
In adoption with a new family, the children deserve to know that the family they are placed with has the capacity to look after them for the long term.
We have seen the effect of multiple moves on children. Some never recover. The Camper has given us her heart, her love and her trust. We know, quite simply, that to break that now would change her life forever.
So if we put the child first, which is a theme of this site, then this couple needs to minimise any risk to their health.
Adoptive or long term foster parents need to be as healthy and strong as they can be, not because the authority says so, but because some small child – who is going to give them his or her heart and trust - deserves it.
We would suggest that it is the same standard that should apply to ANY parent by the way. Raising children is a tiring, strenuous, whole-hearted activity. We find physical health to be key in handling the workload and the stress. It helps us parent better by being able to share physical activity with our children.
So our advice to this couple? Improve your health. There is a child out there who needs you, but they do need you for the long term. You might not have met them yet but you owe it to them already.
Posted by EssentialMum
The husband acknowledges he is ‘too fat’. The local authority states ‘The council's adoption service has a legal responsibility to ensure that children are placed with adopters who are able to provide the best possible lifelong care’.
We get to play both sides of the debate on this blog. So here they are.
There are many parents who are obese, who smoke, who drink, who do recreational drugs. In most of those instances they are not denied the right to parent their birth children.
So on the face of it, are we applying a double standard to prospective adoptive or foster parents who may not be ‘perfect’?
On the other hand, there are a number of parents out there whose alcohol or drug habits have spiralled out of control, or who have mental health and other issues. They have had their children removed from their care for the children’s safety. Those children have already suffered loss in their lives.
In adoption with a new family, the children deserve to know that the family they are placed with has the capacity to look after them for the long term.
We have seen the effect of multiple moves on children. Some never recover. The Camper has given us her heart, her love and her trust. We know, quite simply, that to break that now would change her life forever.
So if we put the child first, which is a theme of this site, then this couple needs to minimise any risk to their health.
Adoptive or long term foster parents need to be as healthy and strong as they can be, not because the authority says so, but because some small child – who is going to give them his or her heart and trust - deserves it.
We would suggest that it is the same standard that should apply to ANY parent by the way. Raising children is a tiring, strenuous, whole-hearted activity. We find physical health to be key in handling the workload and the stress. It helps us parent better by being able to share physical activity with our children.
So our advice to this couple? Improve your health. There is a child out there who needs you, but they do need you for the long term. You might not have met them yet but you owe it to them already.
Posted by EssentialMum
Gold medal performances
19/08/2008 23:15
It seems a shame that, before the Olympics are even over, a lower medal count for Australian athletes carries with it the whiff of failure.
How ridiculous.
The wonderful thing about sport is all the variables – that’s what makes it so challenging, so interesting and so rewarding. Your result is only as good as your performance on the day.
But all this visible adulation turned our thoughts to the unsung heroes in society, who never get to stand on a dais and be feted by the public.
It turned our thoughts to some gold medal performances we’ve seen from Happy Camper over the last years. She wasn’t fighting for a medal; she was fighting for her life.
Eating
Happy Camper came to us ‘failing to thrive’. She’d been in care, but an undiagnosed illness had seen her fail to grow and develop. When she came to us the medical issue had been resolved but there was a lot of ground to make up. Food was an issue – we were told she would choke, gag, ‘stuff’ herself, not chew properly. If food wasn’t available when she wanted it there were tantrums. We established a routine. We stuck to it as though our lives depended on it. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were within the same timeframes every single day. There was plenty of food - good, nutritious, hearty food. We wanted to teach Happy Camper that there would always be enough, and it would appear every single day. The gagging disappeared quickly, helped as we fed Happy Camper. The failing to chew was resolved with some new foods that required chewing. We showed her what chewing looked like. It was something she needed to learn, when the immediate panic about her full belly had subsided. We let her potter about in the kitchen during the mealtime preparation, so she understood the time it took to prepare it. We gave her some appetisers (usually vegetables) as we prepared the food. Happy Camper eats exceptionally well now, and is a hearty, healthy child who loves her food. Of course there are days when she is simply not hungry, and she will leave food without any fuss. But there is still the odd day when she is tired, or unwell, and food becomes the focus. She doesn’t want it but she won’t leave it. We hold the line and take it away after due warning. There will be more at the next meal and she knows it. We keep it low key because we don’t want food to become a control issue. We work on that by introducing new tastes and foods, in small amounts, quite regularly.
Running and ballet and exercise
Happy Camper, at two, had just started walking. So our routine included daily visits to the park, where she would run and tumble. For many long months our outings ended in screaming tantrums at her being put back in the pram. But before long the strength grew and her coordination came with it, and she learned that we would go to the park again the next day. We would play with a ball in the backyard, chase the dogs. She swam all through summer. We did Kindy Gym and turned her upside down on cue. We took any opportunity we could find for physical activity. Happy Camper showed quite some delight in dancing to music. She watched a ballet DVD and started copying the steps. So we enrolled her in ballet and she adores it. She’s learned rhythm, control, conformity. The end of year concert is a terrific experience.
Those first years were challenging ones for us. But Happy Camper was the one who really had to stretch.
She matched us every step of the way and she trusted us. She has the heart of a little champion. It was wonderful to see that, despite her start, she still knew how to try.
Posted by EssentialMum
How ridiculous.
The wonderful thing about sport is all the variables – that’s what makes it so challenging, so interesting and so rewarding. Your result is only as good as your performance on the day.
But all this visible adulation turned our thoughts to the unsung heroes in society, who never get to stand on a dais and be feted by the public.
It turned our thoughts to some gold medal performances we’ve seen from Happy Camper over the last years. She wasn’t fighting for a medal; she was fighting for her life.
Eating
Happy Camper came to us ‘failing to thrive’. She’d been in care, but an undiagnosed illness had seen her fail to grow and develop. When she came to us the medical issue had been resolved but there was a lot of ground to make up. Food was an issue – we were told she would choke, gag, ‘stuff’ herself, not chew properly. If food wasn’t available when she wanted it there were tantrums. We established a routine. We stuck to it as though our lives depended on it. Breakfast, lunch and dinner were within the same timeframes every single day. There was plenty of food - good, nutritious, hearty food. We wanted to teach Happy Camper that there would always be enough, and it would appear every single day. The gagging disappeared quickly, helped as we fed Happy Camper. The failing to chew was resolved with some new foods that required chewing. We showed her what chewing looked like. It was something she needed to learn, when the immediate panic about her full belly had subsided. We let her potter about in the kitchen during the mealtime preparation, so she understood the time it took to prepare it. We gave her some appetisers (usually vegetables) as we prepared the food. Happy Camper eats exceptionally well now, and is a hearty, healthy child who loves her food. Of course there are days when she is simply not hungry, and she will leave food without any fuss. But there is still the odd day when she is tired, or unwell, and food becomes the focus. She doesn’t want it but she won’t leave it. We hold the line and take it away after due warning. There will be more at the next meal and she knows it. We keep it low key because we don’t want food to become a control issue. We work on that by introducing new tastes and foods, in small amounts, quite regularly.
Running and ballet and exercise
Happy Camper, at two, had just started walking. So our routine included daily visits to the park, where she would run and tumble. For many long months our outings ended in screaming tantrums at her being put back in the pram. But before long the strength grew and her coordination came with it, and she learned that we would go to the park again the next day. We would play with a ball in the backyard, chase the dogs. She swam all through summer. We did Kindy Gym and turned her upside down on cue. We took any opportunity we could find for physical activity. Happy Camper showed quite some delight in dancing to music. She watched a ballet DVD and started copying the steps. So we enrolled her in ballet and she adores it. She’s learned rhythm, control, conformity. The end of year concert is a terrific experience.
Those first years were challenging ones for us. But Happy Camper was the one who really had to stretch.
She matched us every step of the way and she trusted us. She has the heart of a little champion. It was wonderful to see that, despite her start, she still knew how to try.
Posted by EssentialMum
Children don’t go into limbo while the adults sort themselves out
07/07/2008 01:07
Kate de Brito’s blog at news.com.au had an interesting topic. This week’s post was ‘Should I report my sister to child services?’ (If you click through don't be surprised to find some fairly blunt posts and comments on all manner of subjects).
The person who submitted the question – which was whether she should notify the authorities about her sister’s home situation - outlined what is essentially a scenario of children at risk, and asked for advice. There was plenty.
Many contributors were simply stunned. Given what is reported on the news most weeks that's surprising, but there you go. Many thought a good home clean-up/talking to/scare for mother was needed. Most of those missed the complexity of the situation and mother’s state of mental health and, we think, the reality that we are dealing with people here. And there were some well-reasoned and thoughtful responses.
The piece the readers had the least information on was what the family had done or was doing. There were a number of comments about what the family should do in such circumstances. That’s not an easy one to answer.
But surprise - the bogeyman was the authorities. While Kate recommended an initial approach to find out options, and a contributor pointed out that there is quite a process that the authorities follow before any decisions are made, many contributors put notifying the authorities as a last resort.
We can understand why many people assume the worst – of the system and the authorities. We can see why people feel that once they launch this juggernaut they will have no input and no control. A systematic approach, by its very nature, often works to exclude those who don’t understand it, or don’t have the skills the system requires to deal with it.
We have argued with social workers and stood our ground when we have a different view of what’s proposed for Happy Camper. Some workers made it clear that they thought we were being uncooperative because we dared to disagree with them. We believe we were doing our job and treating Happy Camper like the individual she is. It takes courage and smarts and tenacity to hold the line.
As a carer, you can feel torn by all these viewpoints. We think there is a guiding principle that helps. It’s certainly helped us work out what really matters.
Put the child first
Usually stated by all parties but not always done. We’ve heard a complacent ‘we advocate for the child’ from a worker. What the worker had conveniently forgotten was that she advocated for the child within the well prescribed, bog standard framework of the private agency. And the agency had its own agenda. Funnily enough, some of that bog standard framework was both in conflict with DOCS' approach and with what was best for Happy Camper.
So what’s the point?
There’s a point where the child’s needs outweigh those of the birth parent. Many of the posts on Kate de Brito’s blog advocated assistance for the mother. Absolutely. But make sure the children are OK while that process is going on.
Because children don’t go into limbo while the adults sort themselves out.
Posted by EssentialMum
The person who submitted the question – which was whether she should notify the authorities about her sister’s home situation - outlined what is essentially a scenario of children at risk, and asked for advice. There was plenty.
Many contributors were simply stunned. Given what is reported on the news most weeks that's surprising, but there you go. Many thought a good home clean-up/talking to/scare for mother was needed. Most of those missed the complexity of the situation and mother’s state of mental health and, we think, the reality that we are dealing with people here. And there were some well-reasoned and thoughtful responses.
The piece the readers had the least information on was what the family had done or was doing. There were a number of comments about what the family should do in such circumstances. That’s not an easy one to answer.
But surprise - the bogeyman was the authorities. While Kate recommended an initial approach to find out options, and a contributor pointed out that there is quite a process that the authorities follow before any decisions are made, many contributors put notifying the authorities as a last resort.
We can understand why many people assume the worst – of the system and the authorities. We can see why people feel that once they launch this juggernaut they will have no input and no control. A systematic approach, by its very nature, often works to exclude those who don’t understand it, or don’t have the skills the system requires to deal with it.
We have argued with social workers and stood our ground when we have a different view of what’s proposed for Happy Camper. Some workers made it clear that they thought we were being uncooperative because we dared to disagree with them. We believe we were doing our job and treating Happy Camper like the individual she is. It takes courage and smarts and tenacity to hold the line.
As a carer, you can feel torn by all these viewpoints. We think there is a guiding principle that helps. It’s certainly helped us work out what really matters.
Put the child first
Usually stated by all parties but not always done. We’ve heard a complacent ‘we advocate for the child’ from a worker. What the worker had conveniently forgotten was that she advocated for the child within the well prescribed, bog standard framework of the private agency. And the agency had its own agenda. Funnily enough, some of that bog standard framework was both in conflict with DOCS' approach and with what was best for Happy Camper.
So what’s the point?
There’s a point where the child’s needs outweigh those of the birth parent. Many of the posts on Kate de Brito’s blog advocated assistance for the mother. Absolutely. But make sure the children are OK while that process is going on.
Because children don’t go into limbo while the adults sort themselves out.
Posted by EssentialMum