laughter
National Adoption Awareness Week
27/11/2009 00:02 Filed in: placement | EssentialMum
It was National Adoption Awareness Week mid-November. We would have loved to highlight the event on this site, but were living the equation (simplified, with sincere apologies to all the mathematicians out there):
([Happy Camper + activities] *JOY300) + work100 + running the family150 = no time to write.
It’s not too late to highlight the message nonetheless. For more details go to the Adoption Awareness Week site. The spokesman is Deborah Lee Furness, an adoptive mum of two. She has commented quite bluntly that adoption in Australia is difficult.
This is from the adoptionawarenessweek.com.au site:
‘There is a perception that Australia has been reluctant to advocate adoption as an option for crisis pregnancies, children stuck in foster care drift, or as a way of keeping siblings together.’
‘Foster care drift’. That’s an interesting choice of words, isn’t it? If it describes children who move from placement to placement to placement, or perhaps children who languish in a placement pending a decision, then what is the goal for them? They shouldn’t drift, should they? Why would we accept that for them?
If you read the Queensland Government’s Charter of rights of a child in care, then the first principle will tell you that the Child Protection Act 1999 establishes that children in care have the right ‘to be provided with a safe and stable living environment’ that ‘best meets the child’s needs’. (We know there is a NSW equivalent, but heaven help us, we searched for it on the DoCS site and ran out of patience. We found flyers describing it here.)
The issue is that ‘stable’ is a relative term, not an absolute one. By that we mean that it is decided in reference to the particular child and their particular circumstances. There is no baseline that can be held to apply universally.
And that is the conundrum. When a family breaks down, or a birth parent can’t cope, all the basic standards of care for a child need to be replaced with a new set. The child’s stability is well and truly interrupted, while the system tries to work out whether the family can be supported and therefore function, or whether it has broken down irretrievably.
So when serious family issues occur, can the system cater for the needs of the family AND the needs of the individual child simultaneously? Equally? Or does one lose out?
We are not advocating an adversarial system. But we are yet to meet an individual or a system (however you define it) that is able to balance the competing needs of two parties, completely impartially, free from agendas.
That’s the court system, you say? We’re not convinced. But even accepting that, perhaps the issue is how long it takes to get a decision from that impartial third party? As we’ve written before, children don’t go into limbo while the adults work it all out. Children often FAIL to do something during times of instability – such as grow, learn, relax, enjoy, love.
We know a number of smart, thoughtful individuals who have been children in care, and we participate in many online forums where those who contribute to the system and those who experienced it come together. A universal theme for many children who experienced care is finding stability.
So here’s what ‘stability’ means in day to day terms for the Camper:
‘We understand you need someone to love you, unconditionally, for a long time, so you see and understand what a long time looks and feels like, and what long-term unconditional love looks and feels like. We know you need to see, experience, feel and understand what it is to have someone who wants, and works for, the very best for you’.
([Happy Camper + activities] *JOY300) + work100 + running the family150 = no time to write.
It’s not too late to highlight the message nonetheless. For more details go to the Adoption Awareness Week site. The spokesman is Deborah Lee Furness, an adoptive mum of two. She has commented quite bluntly that adoption in Australia is difficult.
This is from the adoptionawarenessweek.com.au site:
‘There is a perception that Australia has been reluctant to advocate adoption as an option for crisis pregnancies, children stuck in foster care drift, or as a way of keeping siblings together.’
‘Foster care drift’. That’s an interesting choice of words, isn’t it? If it describes children who move from placement to placement to placement, or perhaps children who languish in a placement pending a decision, then what is the goal for them? They shouldn’t drift, should they? Why would we accept that for them?
If you read the Queensland Government’s Charter of rights of a child in care, then the first principle will tell you that the Child Protection Act 1999 establishes that children in care have the right ‘to be provided with a safe and stable living environment’ that ‘best meets the child’s needs’. (We know there is a NSW equivalent, but heaven help us, we searched for it on the DoCS site and ran out of patience. We found flyers describing it here.)
The issue is that ‘stable’ is a relative term, not an absolute one. By that we mean that it is decided in reference to the particular child and their particular circumstances. There is no baseline that can be held to apply universally.
And that is the conundrum. When a family breaks down, or a birth parent can’t cope, all the basic standards of care for a child need to be replaced with a new set. The child’s stability is well and truly interrupted, while the system tries to work out whether the family can be supported and therefore function, or whether it has broken down irretrievably.
So when serious family issues occur, can the system cater for the needs of the family AND the needs of the individual child simultaneously? Equally? Or does one lose out?
We are not advocating an adversarial system. But we are yet to meet an individual or a system (however you define it) that is able to balance the competing needs of two parties, completely impartially, free from agendas.
That’s the court system, you say? We’re not convinced. But even accepting that, perhaps the issue is how long it takes to get a decision from that impartial third party? As we’ve written before, children don’t go into limbo while the adults work it all out. Children often FAIL to do something during times of instability – such as grow, learn, relax, enjoy, love.
We know a number of smart, thoughtful individuals who have been children in care, and we participate in many online forums where those who contribute to the system and those who experienced it come together. A universal theme for many children who experienced care is finding stability.
So here’s what ‘stability’ means in day to day terms for the Camper:
- ‘The system’ made the decision and gave the Camper certainty about her home.
- We have a Camper able to concentrate on living, and learning, and loving, rather than managing changing living circumstances.
- Because we see birth family members, there is no mystery for the Camper about her whole family.
- The Camper can deal with all the continuing uncertainty of birth family from the safety net of a loving family.
- We are actively working with the Camper to help her understand and accept why she lives with us. That’s not an impossible task by the way. It never should be.
- The Camper is not drifting. She’s moving forward. And that is the loveliest sight in the world.
‘We understand you need someone to love you, unconditionally, for a long time, so you see and understand what a long time looks and feels like, and what long-term unconditional love looks and feels like. We know you need to see, experience, feel and understand what it is to have someone who wants, and works for, the very best for you’.
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When is a fairy a good thing?
There was an interesting article in the SMH (Weekend Edition, August 16-17 2008) from Lisa Pryor. She was responding to an article in the Age regarding a new book – The Great Feminist Denial – where the author decries letting preschool girls dress as fairies, princesses and ballerinas at birthday parties.
The author, Monica Dux, argues that this just entrenches a narrow view of femininity, focussed on appearance.
As a family with Cinderella, Angelina Ballerina, Snow White, and a number of unnamed fairies in our repertoire, we’d like to share our approach.
It’s all about balance.
We do ballet, so the wonders of the costumes and all that pink stuff are beautifully balanced by the physical activity. Happy Camper understands that ballet is about action and control and exercise. Snow White has been elevated to a superhero in our house, on a par with Spiderman and Superman.
The fairy outfits are usually layered over other clothes, to very funny effect. The froufrou glamour fairy outfit, worn over flannelette pyjamas, topped with a hat and scarf, accessorised with a pair of sunglasses and a bag and finished off with ugh boots, is hysterical. It’s all about dressing up and creating a look, and is usually part of an elaborate imaginative game. The brighter and shinier the outfit, the more Happy Camper loves it.
Dux offers that girls should be ‘active young things seeking out adventure'. We agree - on a daily basis we swim, ride scooters and bikes, kick a soccer ball around a park, wrestle, climb trees, walk dogs, garden. Happy Camper has no qualms about heading to the top of a climbing frame many metres high.
Happy Camper has also been encouraged to have a go at lots of things. It requires some clever risk management in the background naturally, but feeds her confidence and fuels her interest in trying more. She has manned a dodgem car (peeling EssentialMum’s fingers from the steering wheel when we tried to avoid hitting the edge), swung on a sixty foot professional trapeze with a grin on her face, had a go at several climbing walls, bucketed down any giant slide available (the higher the better), ridden horses from Shetlands to 15 hands, and watched in frustrated tears because she was too short to go on the G-force Rocket Ride with the adults.
So we don’t mind the fairy outfits. They are only one part of her imagination and life experience. If she’s still wearing them at fifteen, then we’ll worry.
Posted by EssentialMum
The author, Monica Dux, argues that this just entrenches a narrow view of femininity, focussed on appearance.
As a family with Cinderella, Angelina Ballerina, Snow White, and a number of unnamed fairies in our repertoire, we’d like to share our approach.
It’s all about balance.
We do ballet, so the wonders of the costumes and all that pink stuff are beautifully balanced by the physical activity. Happy Camper understands that ballet is about action and control and exercise. Snow White has been elevated to a superhero in our house, on a par with Spiderman and Superman.
The fairy outfits are usually layered over other clothes, to very funny effect. The froufrou glamour fairy outfit, worn over flannelette pyjamas, topped with a hat and scarf, accessorised with a pair of sunglasses and a bag and finished off with ugh boots, is hysterical. It’s all about dressing up and creating a look, and is usually part of an elaborate imaginative game. The brighter and shinier the outfit, the more Happy Camper loves it.
Dux offers that girls should be ‘active young things seeking out adventure'. We agree - on a daily basis we swim, ride scooters and bikes, kick a soccer ball around a park, wrestle, climb trees, walk dogs, garden. Happy Camper has no qualms about heading to the top of a climbing frame many metres high.
Happy Camper has also been encouraged to have a go at lots of things. It requires some clever risk management in the background naturally, but feeds her confidence and fuels her interest in trying more. She has manned a dodgem car (peeling EssentialMum’s fingers from the steering wheel when we tried to avoid hitting the edge), swung on a sixty foot professional trapeze with a grin on her face, had a go at several climbing walls, bucketed down any giant slide available (the higher the better), ridden horses from Shetlands to 15 hands, and watched in frustrated tears because she was too short to go on the G-force Rocket Ride with the adults.
So we don’t mind the fairy outfits. They are only one part of her imagination and life experience. If she’s still wearing them at fifteen, then we’ll worry.
Posted by EssentialMum
Find the humour
11/06/2008 00:11 Filed in: life story | EssentialMum
Happy Camper has no constraints in telling anyone anything. Anything. So we’ve learned to take that into account. It means we are mindful of the level of detail we provide her in relation to some matters.
The current topic is age, and we’ve had a bit of fun with this one. Happy Camper knows exactly how old she is, and tells everyone. For a long time EssentialMum has fobbed her off in response to any age queries with the answer that EssentialMum is 22.
Well, it had to happen. Here’s how the conversation went one afternoon after school:
Happy Camper: Mum, how old are you?
EssentialMum: Old.
Happy Camper: I know, but how old?
EssentialMum: 22.
Happy Camper: My teacher thinks you might be a bit older than that.
EssentialMum: Does she now?
Happy Camper, (thoughtfully): Mmmn. And she knows everything.
EssentialMum: Look, it’s raining. Isn’t that interesting…..
Afterwards, we had a wonderful laugh. And later still, we shared that laughter with her teacher.
So, a couple of reminders worth noting for us:
Find the humour.
You’ll need it, so make sure you take time to treasure the funny things. Make a note of them - write them down. They become a great part of life story work – we have a file called ‘Laughter’ which contains all the funny comments and incidents that have given us a laugh along the way. They also provide us with some reminders for the ‘when you were little’ conversations that Happy Camper loves. And they are sometimes like a small breath of fresh sustaining air when times are tough.
Build the child’s story according to the child’s age.
A wise worker told us that the explanation to Happy Camper of her birth and childhood was one that would develop and deepen over time – as Happy Camper grew the level of detail and explanation would increase. We’ve found that works. Happy Camper is often, surprisingly, happy with the basics. We can see her process the concept, and gradually over time want more detail.
So we bow to the inevitable and know that very soon, Happy Camper will learn exactly how old EssentialMum is.
Posted by EssentialMum
The current topic is age, and we’ve had a bit of fun with this one. Happy Camper knows exactly how old she is, and tells everyone. For a long time EssentialMum has fobbed her off in response to any age queries with the answer that EssentialMum is 22.
Well, it had to happen. Here’s how the conversation went one afternoon after school:
Happy Camper: Mum, how old are you?
EssentialMum: Old.
Happy Camper: I know, but how old?
EssentialMum: 22.
Happy Camper: My teacher thinks you might be a bit older than that.
EssentialMum: Does she now?
Happy Camper, (thoughtfully): Mmmn. And she knows everything.
EssentialMum: Look, it’s raining. Isn’t that interesting…..
Afterwards, we had a wonderful laugh. And later still, we shared that laughter with her teacher.
So, a couple of reminders worth noting for us:
Find the humour.
You’ll need it, so make sure you take time to treasure the funny things. Make a note of them - write them down. They become a great part of life story work – we have a file called ‘Laughter’ which contains all the funny comments and incidents that have given us a laugh along the way. They also provide us with some reminders for the ‘when you were little’ conversations that Happy Camper loves. And they are sometimes like a small breath of fresh sustaining air when times are tough.
Build the child’s story according to the child’s age.
A wise worker told us that the explanation to Happy Camper of her birth and childhood was one that would develop and deepen over time – as Happy Camper grew the level of detail and explanation would increase. We’ve found that works. Happy Camper is often, surprisingly, happy with the basics. We can see her process the concept, and gradually over time want more detail.
So we bow to the inevitable and know that very soon, Happy Camper will learn exactly how old EssentialMum is.
Posted by EssentialMum