laughter
National Adoption Awareness Week
27/11/2009 00:02 Filed in: placement | EssentialMum
It was National Adoption Awareness Week mid-November. We would have loved to highlight the event on this site, but were living the equation (simplified, with sincere apologies to all the mathematicians out there):
([Child in care + activities] *JOY300) + work100 + running the family150 = no time to write.
It’s not too late to highlight the message nonetheless. For more details go to the Adoption Awareness Week site. The spokesman is Deborah Lee Furness, an adoptive mum of two. She has commented quite bluntly that adoption in Australia is difficult.
This is from the adoptionawarenessweek.com.au site:
‘There is a perception that Australia has been reluctant to advocate adoption as an option for crisis pregnancies, children stuck in foster care drift, or as a way of keeping siblings together.’
‘Foster care drift’. That’s an interesting choice of words, isn’t it? If it describes children who move from placement to placement to placement, or perhaps children who languish in a placement pending a decision, then what is the goal for them? They shouldn’t drift, should they? Why would we accept that for them?
If you read the Queensland Government’s Charter of rights of a child in care, then the first principle will tell you that the Child Protection Act 1999 establishes that children in care have the right ‘to be provided with a safe and stable living environment’ that ‘best meets the child’s needs’. (We know there is a NSW equivalent, but heaven help us, we searched for it on the DoCS site and ran out of patience. We found flyers describing it here.)
The issue is that ‘stable’ is a relative term, not an absolute one. By that we mean that it is decided in reference to the particular child and their particular circumstances. There is no baseline that can be held to apply universally.
And that is the conundrum. When a family breaks down, or a birth parent can’t cope, all the basic standards of care for a child need to be replaced with a new set. The child’s stability is well and truly interrupted, while the system tries to work out whether the family can be supported and therefore function, or whether it has broken down irretrievably.
So when serious family issues occur, can the system cater for the needs of the family AND the needs of the individual child simultaneously? Equally? Or does one lose out?
We are not advocating an adversarial system. But we are yet to meet an individual or a system (however you define it) that is able to balance the competing needs of two parties, completely impartially, free from agendas.
That’s the court system, you say? We’re not convinced. But even accepting that, perhaps the issue is how long it takes to get a decision from that impartial third party? As we’ve written before, children don’t go into limbo while the adults work it all out. Children often FAIL to do something during times of instability – such as grow, learn, relax, enjoy, love.
We know a number of smart, thoughtful individuals who have been children in care, and we participate in many online forums where those who contribute to the system and those who experienced it come together. A universal theme for many children who experienced care is finding stability.
So here’s what ‘stability’ means in day to day terms for a child in care:
‘We understand you need someone to love you, unconditionally, for a long time, so you see and understand what a long time looks and feels like, and what long-term unconditional love looks and feels like. We know you need to see, experience, feel and understand what it is to have someone who wants, and works for, the very best for you’.
([Child in care + activities] *JOY300) + work100 + running the family150 = no time to write.
It’s not too late to highlight the message nonetheless. For more details go to the Adoption Awareness Week site. The spokesman is Deborah Lee Furness, an adoptive mum of two. She has commented quite bluntly that adoption in Australia is difficult.
This is from the adoptionawarenessweek.com.au site:
‘There is a perception that Australia has been reluctant to advocate adoption as an option for crisis pregnancies, children stuck in foster care drift, or as a way of keeping siblings together.’
‘Foster care drift’. That’s an interesting choice of words, isn’t it? If it describes children who move from placement to placement to placement, or perhaps children who languish in a placement pending a decision, then what is the goal for them? They shouldn’t drift, should they? Why would we accept that for them?
If you read the Queensland Government’s Charter of rights of a child in care, then the first principle will tell you that the Child Protection Act 1999 establishes that children in care have the right ‘to be provided with a safe and stable living environment’ that ‘best meets the child’s needs’. (We know there is a NSW equivalent, but heaven help us, we searched for it on the DoCS site and ran out of patience. We found flyers describing it here.)
The issue is that ‘stable’ is a relative term, not an absolute one. By that we mean that it is decided in reference to the particular child and their particular circumstances. There is no baseline that can be held to apply universally.
And that is the conundrum. When a family breaks down, or a birth parent can’t cope, all the basic standards of care for a child need to be replaced with a new set. The child’s stability is well and truly interrupted, while the system tries to work out whether the family can be supported and therefore function, or whether it has broken down irretrievably.
So when serious family issues occur, can the system cater for the needs of the family AND the needs of the individual child simultaneously? Equally? Or does one lose out?
We are not advocating an adversarial system. But we are yet to meet an individual or a system (however you define it) that is able to balance the competing needs of two parties, completely impartially, free from agendas.
That’s the court system, you say? We’re not convinced. But even accepting that, perhaps the issue is how long it takes to get a decision from that impartial third party? As we’ve written before, children don’t go into limbo while the adults work it all out. Children often FAIL to do something during times of instability – such as grow, learn, relax, enjoy, love.
We know a number of smart, thoughtful individuals who have been children in care, and we participate in many online forums where those who contribute to the system and those who experienced it come together. A universal theme for many children who experienced care is finding stability.
So here’s what ‘stability’ means in day to day terms for a child in care:
- ‘The system’ makes the decision and gives the child certainty about their home.
- The child is able to concentrate on living, and learning, and loving, rather than managing changing living circumstances.
- If you see birth family members, there is no mystery for the child about their whole family.
- The child can deal with all the continuing uncertainty of birth family from the safety net of a loving family.
- The new foster family actively works with the child to help them understand and accept why the child lives with the family. That’s not an impossible task by the way. It never should be.
- The child is not drifting. They are moving forward. And that is the loveliest sight in the world.
‘We understand you need someone to love you, unconditionally, for a long time, so you see and understand what a long time looks and feels like, and what long-term unconditional love looks and feels like. We know you need to see, experience, feel and understand what it is to have someone who wants, and works for, the very best for you’.
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Find the humour
11/06/2008 00:11 Filed in: life story | EssentialMum
Happy Camper has no constraints in telling anyone anything. Anything. So we’ve learned to take that into account. It means we are mindful of the level of detail we provide her in relation to some matters.
The current topic is age, and we’ve had a bit of fun with this one. Happy Camper knows exactly how old she is, and tells everyone. For a long time EssentialMum has fobbed her off in response to any age queries with the answer that EssentialMum is 22.
Well, it had to happen. Here’s how the conversation went one afternoon after school:
Happy Camper: Mum, how old are you?
EssentialMum: Old.
Happy Camper: I know, but how old?
EssentialMum: 22.
Happy Camper: My teacher thinks you might be a bit older than that.
EssentialMum: Does she now?
Happy Camper, (thoughtfully): Mmmn. And she knows everything.
EssentialMum: Look, it’s raining. Isn’t that interesting…..
Afterwards, we had a wonderful laugh. And later still, we shared that laughter with her teacher.
So, a couple of reminders worth noting for us:
Find the humour.
You’ll need it, so make sure you take time to treasure the funny things. Make a note of them - write them down. They become a great part of life story work – we have a file called ‘Laughter’ which contains all the funny comments and incidents that have given us a laugh along the way. They also provide us with some reminders for the ‘when you were little’ conversations that children love. And they are sometimes like a small breath of fresh sustaining air when times are tough.
Build the child’s story according to the child’s age.
A wise worker told us that the explanation to a child in care of their birth and childhood was one that would develop and deepen over time – as they grow the level of detail and explanation would increase. We’ve found that works. Children are often, surprisingly, happy with the basics.
So we bow to the inevitable and know that very soon, Happy Camper will learn exactly how old EssentialMum is.
Posted by EssentialMum
The current topic is age, and we’ve had a bit of fun with this one. Happy Camper knows exactly how old she is, and tells everyone. For a long time EssentialMum has fobbed her off in response to any age queries with the answer that EssentialMum is 22.
Well, it had to happen. Here’s how the conversation went one afternoon after school:
Happy Camper: Mum, how old are you?
EssentialMum: Old.
Happy Camper: I know, but how old?
EssentialMum: 22.
Happy Camper: My teacher thinks you might be a bit older than that.
EssentialMum: Does she now?
Happy Camper, (thoughtfully): Mmmn. And she knows everything.
EssentialMum: Look, it’s raining. Isn’t that interesting…..
Afterwards, we had a wonderful laugh. And later still, we shared that laughter with her teacher.
So, a couple of reminders worth noting for us:
Find the humour.
You’ll need it, so make sure you take time to treasure the funny things. Make a note of them - write them down. They become a great part of life story work – we have a file called ‘Laughter’ which contains all the funny comments and incidents that have given us a laugh along the way. They also provide us with some reminders for the ‘when you were little’ conversations that children love. And they are sometimes like a small breath of fresh sustaining air when times are tough.
Build the child’s story according to the child’s age.
A wise worker told us that the explanation to a child in care of their birth and childhood was one that would develop and deepen over time – as they grow the level of detail and explanation would increase. We’ve found that works. Children are often, surprisingly, happy with the basics.
So we bow to the inevitable and know that very soon, Happy Camper will learn exactly how old EssentialMum is.
Posted by EssentialMum