names
'I am a foster child'
How should children in care refer to themselves? How should you introduce them?
We don’t do labels.
So Happy Camper is not described to anyone, particularly in her hearing, as a foster child. We introduce her as our daughter. Generally only those who need to know are told her status. And for anyone who needs to know (doctor, teacher), the basic facts are sufficient and explain all that needs to be said.
Foster care is her legal status. So why should that be what describes her?
We sometimes used to feel like the system had given her a secret stamp – only visible to it – that said ‘Child in Care’. Different rules apply to ‘normal’ children. This feeling wasn’t helped by the workers’ frequent response, when we disagreed about a particular action, that ‘this is what we do for all our children in care’. One approach suits all? We knew enough other carers to know that wasn’t true.
This issue about labels is really important.
Labels are pejorative. They are loaded with meaning. We have heard of children in out of home care having the term ‘foster child’ flung at them in the school playground in a derisory way.
Come to think of it, maybe the term ‘foster care’ has had its day. What does ‘foster’ mean anyway? Out-of-home care isn’t much better.
Here’s the definition of foster from dictionary.com:
We like number 3 – to care for or cherish.
We have brought Happy Camper into our family to show her what it means to be cherished. She hasn’t had that before. Make no mistake – she’s been fawned over, and been the centre of attention, and had lots of people spending lots of time reviewing what’s best for her. But she hasn’t been cherished. It’s the strength of that individual care that is making a difference to her life.
We show her what constant, unchanging love looks like, in all its shapes and colours and circumstances. We show her how to receive it and give it. Most people take that for granted.
So we provide family care. The Camper is now part of our family, and nothing will change that even if the circumstances of her care change.
So maybe Family Care is the new description. A new family is caring for this child. What do you think?
Posted by EssentialMum
We don’t do labels.
So Happy Camper is not described to anyone, particularly in her hearing, as a foster child. We introduce her as our daughter. Generally only those who need to know are told her status. And for anyone who needs to know (doctor, teacher), the basic facts are sufficient and explain all that needs to be said.
Foster care is her legal status. So why should that be what describes her?
We sometimes used to feel like the system had given her a secret stamp – only visible to it – that said ‘Child in Care’. Different rules apply to ‘normal’ children. This feeling wasn’t helped by the workers’ frequent response, when we disagreed about a particular action, that ‘this is what we do for all our children in care’. One approach suits all? We knew enough other carers to know that wasn’t true.
This issue about labels is really important.
Labels are pejorative. They are loaded with meaning. We have heard of children in out of home care having the term ‘foster child’ flung at them in the school playground in a derisory way.
Come to think of it, maybe the term ‘foster care’ has had its day. What does ‘foster’ mean anyway? Out-of-home care isn’t much better.
Here’s the definition of foster from dictionary.com:
- to promote the growth or development of; further; encourage, to foster new ideas
- to bring up, raise, or rear as a foster child
- to care for or cherish
- British, to place (a child) in a foster home
We like number 3 – to care for or cherish.
We have brought Happy Camper into our family to show her what it means to be cherished. She hasn’t had that before. Make no mistake – she’s been fawned over, and been the centre of attention, and had lots of people spending lots of time reviewing what’s best for her. But she hasn’t been cherished. It’s the strength of that individual care that is making a difference to her life.
We show her what constant, unchanging love looks like, in all its shapes and colours and circumstances. We show her how to receive it and give it. Most people take that for granted.
So we provide family care. The Camper is now part of our family, and nothing will change that even if the circumstances of her care change.
So maybe Family Care is the new description. A new family is caring for this child. What do you think?
Posted by EssentialMum
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Birth mum, foster mum, first mum, carer ...
So, let's get the introductions happening.
We've adopted pseudonyms in this blog (for more information on why this is important please see our Privacy tab). The names or descriptions of all the parties in both foster care and adoption is a hugely contentious subject – everyone has an opinion and very probably an agenda. It often raises real passion in all the parties.
At fostercarer.com.au you'll hear about:
Happy Camper
Our little bundle of joy is called Happy Camper (she's in the under 10 age group). Because she is. Most of the time. She is one of the world's most delightful little beings and it is our privilege to be part of her life and part of this journey. Happy Camper is in long term care so permanency planning is critical to her growth and stability.
Birth Mum
Happy Camper's mum is described as Birth Mum, but of course she has a name that Happy Camper calls her face to face. They have had discussions recently about a special name that Happy Camper can use that only they share. The important thing is that Happy Camper, as she grows older, knows her birth mum (and family) and feels she has a say in the relationships.
EssentialMum
Foster mother is called EssentialMum on this blog, and she is called 'Mum' by Happy Camper. Because that's what she is - right here, right now. She is now an essential part of Happy Camper’s life, and provides essential services.
EssentialMum was always called 'carer' by the private agency social workers, although DoCs seemed quite happy to call her Happy Camper's mum. Are we the only ones who find 'carer' a detached, objective, impersonal term? EssentialMum cares about lots of things, but she loves Happy Camper.
We've dealt with rules from the social workers about ‘what was best’ in relation to names for both Birth Mum and EssentialMum. The interesting thing was that the more strident the social workers became the more recalcitrant Happy Camper became.
To us the whole 'who is called what' debate is really simple when the child is put first, the child's individual circumstances are taken into consideration, and the child's ability to decide what is meaningful to them is given some airplay.
Posted by EssentialMum
We've adopted pseudonyms in this blog (for more information on why this is important please see our Privacy tab). The names or descriptions of all the parties in both foster care and adoption is a hugely contentious subject – everyone has an opinion and very probably an agenda. It often raises real passion in all the parties.
At fostercarer.com.au you'll hear about:
Happy Camper
Our little bundle of joy is called Happy Camper (she's in the under 10 age group). Because she is. Most of the time. She is one of the world's most delightful little beings and it is our privilege to be part of her life and part of this journey. Happy Camper is in long term care so permanency planning is critical to her growth and stability.
Birth Mum
Happy Camper's mum is described as Birth Mum, but of course she has a name that Happy Camper calls her face to face. They have had discussions recently about a special name that Happy Camper can use that only they share. The important thing is that Happy Camper, as she grows older, knows her birth mum (and family) and feels she has a say in the relationships.
EssentialMum
Foster mother is called EssentialMum on this blog, and she is called 'Mum' by Happy Camper. Because that's what she is - right here, right now. She is now an essential part of Happy Camper’s life, and provides essential services.
EssentialMum was always called 'carer' by the private agency social workers, although DoCs seemed quite happy to call her Happy Camper's mum. Are we the only ones who find 'carer' a detached, objective, impersonal term? EssentialMum cares about lots of things, but she loves Happy Camper.
We've dealt with rules from the social workers about ‘what was best’ in relation to names for both Birth Mum and EssentialMum. The interesting thing was that the more strident the social workers became the more recalcitrant Happy Camper became.
To us the whole 'who is called what' debate is really simple when the child is put first, the child's individual circumstances are taken into consideration, and the child's ability to decide what is meaningful to them is given some airplay.
Posted by EssentialMum