parent
Attachment issues for children in foster care
The next section of the superb article from the American Academy of Pediatrics covers attachment. Specifically, what is required in order for a child to develop into a healthy human being. Again, we will put the report in our own words in the hope that we can make it a little more accessible.
Not surprisingly, the child needs a relationship with an adult who exhibits the behaviour of a loving, caring parent – nurturing, protection, trust and security. Attachment refers to the relationship between a child and another – that is, two people, and forms the basis for long term relationships.
They state that attachment is an active process. By that they mean something is always happening regarding attachment for children. Children in a poor family circumstance don’t go into limbo while parents and support agencies work things out (we’ve said that before and we’ll say it again.) So attachment at such a time can be both insecure and maladaptive – meaning faulty or inadequate. The child may be actively learning that attachment is faulty, or insecure, or inadequate, not healthy, or enduring, or wonderful.
And in case anyone was wondering: ‘attachment to a primary caregiver (…who provides nurturing, protection, trust and security…) is essential to the development of emotional security and social conscience’ (page 1146).
So far so clear. Attachment issues affect self-esteem and long term relationships. What else?
The article states that the ‘optimal’ child development occurs when a range of the child’s needs are consistently met over an extended period. We’ve paraphrased this concept before and made it personal to us: the Camper deserves to know that there is another day tomorrow that will be, in relation to all the essential elements like nurturing, protection, trust and security, exactly the same as the one she has just had.
And it goes the other way too. Successful parenting is based on a healthy, respectful and long-lasting relationship with the child. In many cases it is highly likely that a birth parent never had this opportunity with their parent, and was unable to provide it for their child. So the cycle begins.
It is the process of parenting – looking after the child’s emotional and psychological needs, as well as their biological needs – that leads a child to perceive a particular adult as his or her parent. And that’s the person they attach to. And the strength of that relationship plays a big part in helping a child overcome early stress or trauma.
So the real risk for children in and out of foster care is that they might fail to form healthy attachments to anyone. They don’t have an adult who is devoted to them, and who accepts and values them for the long term. And in our experience, many of the interactions with both workers and birth family, unless handled with great skill and care, can undermine the forming of that attachment and cause the child more stress and insecurity.
Separation during the first year of life, especially in the first 6 months, may not have a negative effect on social or emotional development.
Separations between 6 months and 3 years of age, if they come about as a result of family breakdown and disruption, are more likely to have ongoing emotional consequences for the child. This is partly due to their age and how they feel around strangers, but also because they do not have the language skills at this age to fully express themselves and make sense of it.
Children older than 3 years when placed with a new family are likely to have the language skills to help them deal with the change. They are at an age where they are able to form strong attachments.
The section concludes with the statement ‘the emotional consequences of multiple placements or disruptions are likely to be harmful at any age.’
So we need to provide stability and long term nurturing for these children? Doesn’t sound too hard, does it?
Not surprisingly, the child needs a relationship with an adult who exhibits the behaviour of a loving, caring parent – nurturing, protection, trust and security. Attachment refers to the relationship between a child and another – that is, two people, and forms the basis for long term relationships.
They state that attachment is an active process. By that they mean something is always happening regarding attachment for children. Children in a poor family circumstance don’t go into limbo while parents and support agencies work things out (we’ve said that before and we’ll say it again.) So attachment at such a time can be both insecure and maladaptive – meaning faulty or inadequate. The child may be actively learning that attachment is faulty, or insecure, or inadequate, not healthy, or enduring, or wonderful.
And in case anyone was wondering: ‘attachment to a primary caregiver (…who provides nurturing, protection, trust and security…) is essential to the development of emotional security and social conscience’ (page 1146).
So far so clear. Attachment issues affect self-esteem and long term relationships. What else?
The article states that the ‘optimal’ child development occurs when a range of the child’s needs are consistently met over an extended period. We’ve paraphrased this concept before and made it personal to us: the Camper deserves to know that there is another day tomorrow that will be, in relation to all the essential elements like nurturing, protection, trust and security, exactly the same as the one she has just had.
And it goes the other way too. Successful parenting is based on a healthy, respectful and long-lasting relationship with the child. In many cases it is highly likely that a birth parent never had this opportunity with their parent, and was unable to provide it for their child. So the cycle begins.
It is the process of parenting – looking after the child’s emotional and psychological needs, as well as their biological needs – that leads a child to perceive a particular adult as his or her parent. And that’s the person they attach to. And the strength of that relationship plays a big part in helping a child overcome early stress or trauma.
So the real risk for children in and out of foster care is that they might fail to form healthy attachments to anyone. They don’t have an adult who is devoted to them, and who accepts and values them for the long term. And in our experience, many of the interactions with both workers and birth family, unless handled with great skill and care, can undermine the forming of that attachment and cause the child more stress and insecurity.
Separation during the first year of life, especially in the first 6 months, may not have a negative effect on social or emotional development.
Separations between 6 months and 3 years of age, if they come about as a result of family breakdown and disruption, are more likely to have ongoing emotional consequences for the child. This is partly due to their age and how they feel around strangers, but also because they do not have the language skills at this age to fully express themselves and make sense of it.
Children older than 3 years when placed with a new family are likely to have the language skills to help them deal with the change. They are at an age where they are able to form strong attachments.
The section concludes with the statement ‘the emotional consequences of multiple placements or disruptions are likely to be harmful at any age.’
So we need to provide stability and long term nurturing for these children? Doesn’t sound too hard, does it?
|
Who is watching out for the children?
29/07/2009 23:41 Filed in: general
Today, two ‘popular’ entertainers carried out a stunt, whereby a 14 year old girl was brought by her mother to their studio, hooked up to a lie detector, and quizzed on air by the radio hosts about her sexual history. The media coverage states that her mother, who attended, wanted to know whether her daughter had taken drugs or was sexually active.
While anyone with some standards has probably had a meltdown, those of us a bit closer to children at risk sighed. There are so many things wrong with this stunt, not the least of which is the ‘me, I didn’t do anything wrong’ online explanation from one of the entertainers (we’re not even going to link to any of the coverage, sorry).
‘What did you expect!’ you might ask?
Well, we expect that society will look out for children.
The girl was 14 years of age. In our country that is underage. So let’s see where the buck should have stopped.
We think it highly unlikely that the child was able to fully understand what she was getting herself into, and the full implications of what might occur. There’s informed consent and we doubt she had it. But maybe she wanted to go ahead?
So we think it was highly inappropriate for the mother to either coerce, acquiesce to or simply allow her underage daughter to be questioned on air about her sexual history. So mother hasn’t the best judgment?
We think is highly inappropriate for a commercial radio station to provide a forum for a careless parent to expose her underage child to such an experience.
Was there no adult there who questioned whether this was in the child’s best interests?
What is sad beyond belief is that not one adult considered the segment (because of the girl's age and the line of questioning) to be exploitative, damaging and negligent. Or if they did, they were prepared to compromise that for ratings and revenue.
When adults absolve themselves of responsibility for children, when commercial enterprises throw out standards in the pursuit of revenue, and when ignorant egotists rule the airwaves, the victims are the kids.
And sadly, this pattern of failure after failure is all too common. The question is not ‘who is responsible?’ It’s ‘who is going to take responsibility?’
While anyone with some standards has probably had a meltdown, those of us a bit closer to children at risk sighed. There are so many things wrong with this stunt, not the least of which is the ‘me, I didn’t do anything wrong’ online explanation from one of the entertainers (we’re not even going to link to any of the coverage, sorry).
‘What did you expect!’ you might ask?
Well, we expect that society will look out for children.
The girl was 14 years of age. In our country that is underage. So let’s see where the buck should have stopped.
We think it highly unlikely that the child was able to fully understand what she was getting herself into, and the full implications of what might occur. There’s informed consent and we doubt she had it. But maybe she wanted to go ahead?
So we think it was highly inappropriate for the mother to either coerce, acquiesce to or simply allow her underage daughter to be questioned on air about her sexual history. So mother hasn’t the best judgment?
We think is highly inappropriate for a commercial radio station to provide a forum for a careless parent to expose her underage child to such an experience.
Was there no adult there who questioned whether this was in the child’s best interests?
What is sad beyond belief is that not one adult considered the segment (because of the girl's age and the line of questioning) to be exploitative, damaging and negligent. Or if they did, they were prepared to compromise that for ratings and revenue.
When adults absolve themselves of responsibility for children, when commercial enterprises throw out standards in the pursuit of revenue, and when ignorant egotists rule the airwaves, the victims are the kids.
And sadly, this pattern of failure after failure is all too common. The question is not ‘who is responsible?’ It’s ‘who is going to take responsibility?’
How do you become a foster carer?
Our blog is about helping you understand all the things that the manuals and the agencies and the blurbs don’t tell you. So we won’t reproduce all the decent information already available from government and non-government agencies – but we will link to it.
If you are thinking about becoming a foster carer, here are our reminders as you go through the process.
Think about your circumstances…
A foster child will probably come to you with issues, depending on their age. You need to be able to give them time and attention. You may need to make up huge deficits in every aspect of their health, education, socialisation, emotional growth. Can you do it? Is your family committed with you in doing this? Do you have the time? Do you have the emotional and intellectual energy?
Why do you want to do it?
There are no right reasons, but we’ve written before about making sure that you know what you want or need out of it. It can be tough, and let’s be blunt, if you are doing it to meet some need of yours, then you may be disappointed. We fostered because we wanted to make a difference. We wanted to break the self-perpetuating cycle of dysfunction that exists in some families. We know carers who came to fostering when they were unable to have their own biological children. We know other carers who have been very successful at everything they have done in family and career and want to give something back. The assessment process will quiz you on your motivation, so spend some time thinking it through. The more honest you are with yourself about it the better.
Who will help you?
Make sure you have a good support network available. This is no time to be gung-ho. You will need support ranging from a sympathetic ear, to constructive advice, to actual physical assistance. If you are already a parent then you may have this in place. But remember that these children have additional needs. To give them what they need and want means a very intense relationship. You need people looking out for you.
Research
Our blog is Australian, so the resources we will point you to are Australian. But there are equivalent organisations around the world.
There is plenty of information available online from both the Department of Community Services (NSW and other Australian states), and Non-Government Foster care agencies.
To get you started, visit the DOCS website.
General information on fostering
Types of care
What to expect
Non-government agencies provide foster care services and recruit carers. You will be able to click through to their websites for more information.
Note that the links are sometimes to ‘Out-of-home care’, which is another name for foster care.
There are differences in approach, support, structure and process between DOCS and the private agencies. We’ve experienced both over many years, and have made some suggestions on our site before. You need to make sure you know what to expect from the agency. They can over-service you, under-support you, have policies that say one thing on paper and mean something else in practice, and may have vastly differing levels of skills and experience in their workers. You may not be able to avoid the issues but it helps if you know what you are getting into. Just as child and you should be a good match, so too should you and the agency.
If you are thinking about becoming a foster carer, here are our reminders as you go through the process.
Think about your circumstances…
A foster child will probably come to you with issues, depending on their age. You need to be able to give them time and attention. You may need to make up huge deficits in every aspect of their health, education, socialisation, emotional growth. Can you do it? Is your family committed with you in doing this? Do you have the time? Do you have the emotional and intellectual energy?
Why do you want to do it?
There are no right reasons, but we’ve written before about making sure that you know what you want or need out of it. It can be tough, and let’s be blunt, if you are doing it to meet some need of yours, then you may be disappointed. We fostered because we wanted to make a difference. We wanted to break the self-perpetuating cycle of dysfunction that exists in some families. We know carers who came to fostering when they were unable to have their own biological children. We know other carers who have been very successful at everything they have done in family and career and want to give something back. The assessment process will quiz you on your motivation, so spend some time thinking it through. The more honest you are with yourself about it the better.
Who will help you?
Make sure you have a good support network available. This is no time to be gung-ho. You will need support ranging from a sympathetic ear, to constructive advice, to actual physical assistance. If you are already a parent then you may have this in place. But remember that these children have additional needs. To give them what they need and want means a very intense relationship. You need people looking out for you.
Research
Our blog is Australian, so the resources we will point you to are Australian. But there are equivalent organisations around the world.
There is plenty of information available online from both the Department of Community Services (NSW and other Australian states), and Non-Government Foster care agencies.
To get you started, visit the DOCS website.
General information on fostering
Types of care
What to expect
Non-government agencies provide foster care services and recruit carers. You will be able to click through to their websites for more information.
Note that the links are sometimes to ‘Out-of-home care’, which is another name for foster care.
There are differences in approach, support, structure and process between DOCS and the private agencies. We’ve experienced both over many years, and have made some suggestions on our site before. You need to make sure you know what to expect from the agency. They can over-service you, under-support you, have policies that say one thing on paper and mean something else in practice, and may have vastly differing levels of skills and experience in their workers. You may not be able to avoid the issues but it helps if you know what you are getting into. Just as child and you should be a good match, so too should you and the agency.
Reporting more detail on children in care?
This came from Caroline Overington (#overingtonc) via Twitter. The full article is called The girl in the window, and recounts, in quite astonishing detail, the story of a 9 year old Florida girl.
She was so neglected and abused in her birth family that she now suffers developmental delay of the most extreme, fundamental kind. She has been adopted by a family who are trying to mend what they can. The article discloses a great deal of personal information about the child and her birth family, and a lot of detail on what the child experienced.
It should be compulsory reading for anyone who thinks they have an informed opinion on children’s services.
So, why can’t Overington and other responsible journos report this type of story, at this level of detail, in Australia?
Should we be able to report this type of story at this level of detail?
How can you work to a solution when no one is able to openly discuss the problem?
Can you educate all the people involved when the facts remain hidden?
Can you bring struggling parents to some degree of self-awareness if they never hear other stories they might identify with?
Can you report at this level of detail and still protect people’s privacy, particularly the children’s?
Perhaps it is time for a new approach.
Just today it was reported that ’Australian health and welfare agencies … formed a taskforce to combat increasing numbers of child abuse and neglect, which reached 55,000 cases last year’.
With notifications for alleged child abuse and neglect almost tripling in Australia between 1999 and 2007, the problem isn’t being solved by existing methods.
So maybe the time has come to give some committed, experienced, responsible journos the green light to start reporting.
Is it too easy to consider it ‘someone else’s problem’ if we don’t get too close to it?
At what age can a child make his/her own decision?
A decision about what? Before we launch off, let’s refine that question a bit.
There’s been a lot in the news lately regarding children trying to juggle the needs of both parents after a marriage breakdown. Yes, you heard right – the children often do the juggling – emotions, loyalty, sheer tiredness, change of homes. Unfortunately the decision often seems to pay little regard to what the children want. ‘But they are children’, you say? ‘They are too young to know what’s best for them’.
As a foster parent your child may well be juggling contact with a birth family and life with you. Depending on their age and the circumstances you may also find loyalty issues, emotions and stress come from that contact.
So at what age is a child able to offer a valid viewpoint on their contact with a non-custodial parent?
Is it 12 (mentioned in the Adoption Act) or younger? Dare we ask whether younger children, in certain circumstances, actually know what they need?
Our role, as second parents who love the child, is to prepare a child for living their life. That means teaching them to have an opinion. And it means teaching them to express that opinion. Given their circumstances and the players in their lives, we think the sooner they learn that skill the better.
And there are good things that flow from that. You can teach a child to talk about things, and not bottle it up. You can teach them to articulate how they feel and explore their reactions. You can help them work through how they feel and how to manage. Importantly, you can teach them to accept their circumstances as part of life and get it in perspective. And most importantly, you can show them what control looks like. Theirs, actually.
Having an opinion is a fundamental first step to making a decision. Creating and forming opinions, and the two way interaction that usually follows, teaches a child what a good decision looks like.
The importance of this became clear to us when we had a worker who ‘ran’ access. We have no doubts that came about because the agency had an agenda to restore the child to birth parent, combined with a ferocious ‘tick-the-box’ approach. The agency paid lip-service to ‘we are a team and we want your contribution’ but that was a crock. Not only did the relentlessly artificial management of the visit unsettle the child mightily, it created a false expectation in the birth family about prospects in the future.
We think that the adults in ‘the system’, from workers to the judiciary, need to listen a lot more carefully to the small people.
There’s been a lot in the news lately regarding children trying to juggle the needs of both parents after a marriage breakdown. Yes, you heard right – the children often do the juggling – emotions, loyalty, sheer tiredness, change of homes. Unfortunately the decision often seems to pay little regard to what the children want. ‘But they are children’, you say? ‘They are too young to know what’s best for them’.
As a foster parent your child may well be juggling contact with a birth family and life with you. Depending on their age and the circumstances you may also find loyalty issues, emotions and stress come from that contact.
So at what age is a child able to offer a valid viewpoint on their contact with a non-custodial parent?
Is it 12 (mentioned in the Adoption Act) or younger? Dare we ask whether younger children, in certain circumstances, actually know what they need?
Our role, as second parents who love the child, is to prepare a child for living their life. That means teaching them to have an opinion. And it means teaching them to express that opinion. Given their circumstances and the players in their lives, we think the sooner they learn that skill the better.
And there are good things that flow from that. You can teach a child to talk about things, and not bottle it up. You can teach them to articulate how they feel and explore their reactions. You can help them work through how they feel and how to manage. Importantly, you can teach them to accept their circumstances as part of life and get it in perspective. And most importantly, you can show them what control looks like. Theirs, actually.
Having an opinion is a fundamental first step to making a decision. Creating and forming opinions, and the two way interaction that usually follows, teaches a child what a good decision looks like.
The importance of this became clear to us when we had a worker who ‘ran’ access. We have no doubts that came about because the agency had an agenda to restore the child to birth parent, combined with a ferocious ‘tick-the-box’ approach. The agency paid lip-service to ‘we are a team and we want your contribution’ but that was a crock. Not only did the relentlessly artificial management of the visit unsettle the child mightily, it created a false expectation in the birth family about prospects in the future.
We think that the adults in ‘the system’, from workers to the judiciary, need to listen a lot more carefully to the small people.
'Shared parenting' in foster care?
The whole ‘shared parenting - isn’t it a good idea’ debate goes on. Caroline Overington reports on a custody ruling where once again, the kids seem to come off worst.
We’re not going to wade into the circumstances of a family breakdown where parents battle over shared care. But there are parallels in relation to children who have been removed from their birth parent/s and still have contact.
Now, let’s restate our position. We’re in favour of contact with birth family. That’s what we signed up for as carers, and we think it’s a good approach. That doesn’t mean it isn’t one of the hardest things to deal with, and challenging for your loved foster babe, but in the long term we think it’s best. The child knows where they came from, knows the reality of their birth family.
But what saddened us about the story, and about a number of the comments on the story from readers, was how it was all about the parents and their rights. What seemed to sit behind this story, and in fact behind the shared parenting principle, Is the assumption that - despite enormous changes in the child’s circumstances - their relationship with a parent shouldn’t, and doesn’t, change at all.
Don’t the relationships change the minute the family circumstances change?
You may face this in your contact with a birth parent.
You may find you have a birth parent who still wants to ‘parent’. Or who feels strongly about their status as parent. They might actively tell your foster child that they still play a role. For an older child or a child likely to be reunited with their birth parent, that’s great. If you have a child who is with you until they are 18 or more, it can be very confronting. For a little one who may not know this birth parent very well, it can be terrifying.
You do need to step in.
You need to be clear about the type of relationship that is appropriate for your foster child. Just as contact with a birth parent is about your child accepting reality, a birth parent needs to accept reality as well. Their relationship changed when the child moved from their care. They need to adjust to that. It might be very hard for them to put the child first. But you must.
A child who has maintained contact with a birth parent can deepen that relationship as they get older. But it should happen when the child is ready to cope with it and wants it, not because all the adults in the relationship are so intent on maintaining ‘their rights’ that the children come last.
We’re not going to wade into the circumstances of a family breakdown where parents battle over shared care. But there are parallels in relation to children who have been removed from their birth parent/s and still have contact.
Now, let’s restate our position. We’re in favour of contact with birth family. That’s what we signed up for as carers, and we think it’s a good approach. That doesn’t mean it isn’t one of the hardest things to deal with, and challenging for your loved foster babe, but in the long term we think it’s best. The child knows where they came from, knows the reality of their birth family.
But what saddened us about the story, and about a number of the comments on the story from readers, was how it was all about the parents and their rights. What seemed to sit behind this story, and in fact behind the shared parenting principle, Is the assumption that - despite enormous changes in the child’s circumstances - their relationship with a parent shouldn’t, and doesn’t, change at all.
Don’t the relationships change the minute the family circumstances change?
You may face this in your contact with a birth parent.
You may find you have a birth parent who still wants to ‘parent’. Or who feels strongly about their status as parent. They might actively tell your foster child that they still play a role. For an older child or a child likely to be reunited with their birth parent, that’s great. If you have a child who is with you until they are 18 or more, it can be very confronting. For a little one who may not know this birth parent very well, it can be terrifying.
You do need to step in.
You need to be clear about the type of relationship that is appropriate for your foster child. Just as contact with a birth parent is about your child accepting reality, a birth parent needs to accept reality as well. Their relationship changed when the child moved from their care. They need to adjust to that. It might be very hard for them to put the child first. But you must.
A child who has maintained contact with a birth parent can deepen that relationship as they get older. But it should happen when the child is ready to cope with it and wants it, not because all the adults in the relationship are so intent on maintaining ‘their rights’ that the children come last.
Real life foster care - up close and personal
24/02/2009 20:29 Filed in: placement | EssentialMum
Want to know about foster care?
It’s not often that fostering and children in care, with all the privacy constraints that appropriately go with it, can be so open. If you are thinking of fostering, or are a carer, this Australian Story provides a very detailed and personal view of children in care from the perspective of all parties.
If you missed it on Monday 23rd February on the ABC (NSW):
It will be broadcast again on Saturday 28th February at 12.30pm.
You can read the transcript on the Australian Story site.
Or if you have the bandwidth (both technical and personal!) you can watch it online.
Stay tuned - we will post our thoughts over the next week.
It’s not often that fostering and children in care, with all the privacy constraints that appropriately go with it, can be so open. If you are thinking of fostering, or are a carer, this Australian Story provides a very detailed and personal view of children in care from the perspective of all parties.
If you missed it on Monday 23rd February on the ABC (NSW):
It will be broadcast again on Saturday 28th February at 12.30pm.
You can read the transcript on the Australian Story site.
Or if you have the bandwidth (both technical and personal!) you can watch it online.
Stay tuned - we will post our thoughts over the next week.
Develop and maintain your relationship with birth family
We attended a conference once where all the participants were foster parents.
Very few of the parents referred to members of their children’s birth families by name. Instead the terms ‘birth mum’ and ‘birth parent’ were well used. It was so marked that the worker commented on it. Then the worker said something worth remembering. She talked about the importance of maintaining the relationship between foster family and birth family. That is, the adults in the relationship.
She said that foster and birth parents should connect in some way.
You both share an interest in this child after all. But this can be more easily said than done, depending on the birth family and the social workers.
Birth family will almost always have baggage, most of it acquired long before the foster parents came on the scene. While understanding what’s going on can be like working in the dark without your infrared goggles, the birth parent is not your responsibility.
Another complicating factor can be workers who have an agenda about how they think the foster carer/birth family relationship should run. They might discuss this with you, but they might not. You might only see it when the workers try to take control of the relationship between birth family and child. This may range from an active role for the worker at an access visit, to very explicit instructions to your foster child regarding how they interact with their birth family. You, the carer, might even be told not to come to access.
So here are the reasons we think that worker had it right. Apart from the excellent lesson of seeing adults act like adults:
After all, these people are linked by blood to the person you have grown to love. Whatever your view of birth family, the child in your care deserves that you treat that relationship with respect.
Posted by EssentialMum
Very few of the parents referred to members of their children’s birth families by name. Instead the terms ‘birth mum’ and ‘birth parent’ were well used. It was so marked that the worker commented on it. Then the worker said something worth remembering. She talked about the importance of maintaining the relationship between foster family and birth family. That is, the adults in the relationship.
She said that foster and birth parents should connect in some way.
You both share an interest in this child after all. But this can be more easily said than done, depending on the birth family and the social workers.
Birth family will almost always have baggage, most of it acquired long before the foster parents came on the scene. While understanding what’s going on can be like working in the dark without your infrared goggles, the birth parent is not your responsibility.
Another complicating factor can be workers who have an agenda about how they think the foster carer/birth family relationship should run. They might discuss this with you, but they might not. You might only see it when the workers try to take control of the relationship between birth family and child. This may range from an active role for the worker at an access visit, to very explicit instructions to your foster child regarding how they interact with their birth family. You, the carer, might even be told not to come to access.
So here are the reasons we think that worker had it right. Apart from the excellent lesson of seeing adults act like adults:
- The child sees it is not a competition between adults for his or her affection.
- The birth family does not see it as a competition for the child’s affection.
- The child does not feel torn between the two families.
- You develop a good line of communication with birth family.
- You can talk to birth family about any issues that are impacting the child.
- Birth family will listen to you talk about issues that impact the child.
- The child sees that you are willing to really talk with the birth family.
- If the adolescent child doesn’t want any contact with birth family you are able to maintain it, until such time as they are ready to resume it.
After all, these people are linked by blood to the person you have grown to love. Whatever your view of birth family, the child in your care deserves that you treat that relationship with respect.
Posted by EssentialMum
Call for obese kids to be taken into care
Sorry for the slight delay in posting. We’ve had lots of changes in the last couple of weeks, not the least of which has been the start of the school year and settling into a new routine.
While we’re on the subject of weight, we can tell you that on the face of it this article made us choke over our low fat breakfast cereal.
The first paragraph reads ‘SEVERELY obese children should be notified to child protection authorities, and even taken into care, if their parents are unwilling or unable to help them lose weight, experts have argued.’
We get REALLY annoyed at the apparent ease with which some ‘experts’ in child services use the term ‘taken into care’ in relation to children. Really. Annoyed.
Many children don’t get the best care from their parents. They don’t get the right diet, or the right attention, or the right education. Where do you draw the line?
We’re not social workers, and we have some sympathy for them in working out where the line should be. But poor parenting is different to negligent or dangerous parenting. The risk with articles like this is that we all end up talking about taking children off their birth families as if it’s a nice little holiday the child might go on.
Well it isn’t. And it shouldn’t be shanghaied by anyone just to reinforce the seriousness of an issue.
The Camper is currently watching a new dog find its way around our house, yard and life. She’s been involved in the whole process of finding and bringing home the new pup. She is very interested because she knows that at a young age she went through the same dislocation. So it has given us a good opportunity to discuss how a dog, and by extension, a child, might feel, and act, and deal.
We want to send a note to all the ‘experts’ to use the words ‘taken into care’ carefully.
We don’t take those words lightly, because we are at the working end of that decision. We have a child in care, and we know the effort we have had to put in to making her feel secure, the deep seated trauma she suffered in being removed from her birth family, and the complexity of her ongoing relationship with her birth family. We have no doubt the decision was the right one for her but we are glad it wasn’t taken lightly.
Taking a child into care is, and should remain, the ultimate act to secure their future.
To suggest that careless, ill-educated or simply lazy parents should be threatened with it is completely wrong. And it encourages the general public, reading a headline, to discount the real impact of such a decision.
Posted by EssentialMum
While we’re on the subject of weight, we can tell you that on the face of it this article made us choke over our low fat breakfast cereal.
The first paragraph reads ‘SEVERELY obese children should be notified to child protection authorities, and even taken into care, if their parents are unwilling or unable to help them lose weight, experts have argued.’
We get REALLY annoyed at the apparent ease with which some ‘experts’ in child services use the term ‘taken into care’ in relation to children. Really. Annoyed.
Many children don’t get the best care from their parents. They don’t get the right diet, or the right attention, or the right education. Where do you draw the line?
We’re not social workers, and we have some sympathy for them in working out where the line should be. But poor parenting is different to negligent or dangerous parenting. The risk with articles like this is that we all end up talking about taking children off their birth families as if it’s a nice little holiday the child might go on.
Well it isn’t. And it shouldn’t be shanghaied by anyone just to reinforce the seriousness of an issue.
The Camper is currently watching a new dog find its way around our house, yard and life. She’s been involved in the whole process of finding and bringing home the new pup. She is very interested because she knows that at a young age she went through the same dislocation. So it has given us a good opportunity to discuss how a dog, and by extension, a child, might feel, and act, and deal.
We want to send a note to all the ‘experts’ to use the words ‘taken into care’ carefully.
We don’t take those words lightly, because we are at the working end of that decision. We have a child in care, and we know the effort we have had to put in to making her feel secure, the deep seated trauma she suffered in being removed from her birth family, and the complexity of her ongoing relationship with her birth family. We have no doubt the decision was the right one for her but we are glad it wasn’t taken lightly.
Taking a child into care is, and should remain, the ultimate act to secure their future.
To suggest that careless, ill-educated or simply lazy parents should be threatened with it is completely wrong. And it encourages the general public, reading a headline, to discount the real impact of such a decision.
Posted by EssentialMum
Guarantees in foster care?
An article in The Australian (Thursday Oct 2, 2008) ‘Potential carers put off fostering’ (Overington and Trup) reviewed some of the confidential submissions to the Wood Royal Commission. It is well written article.
The first paragraph states ‘Tens of thousands of affluent, educated and responsible couples are ready to take the nation’s abused and neglected children into their care, if only they could be guaranteed that the children would be allowed to stay’.
What an absolute tragedy.
There are tens of thousands of couples that might have missed out on what may be the most rewarding journey of their life? And, more importantly, there are thousands of children who might have found a life with wonderful parents?
Will better education and communication change the perspective of some of those potential carers? Maybe the ‘system’ needs to make a call earlier for some children and place them in a ‘permanent’ home as soon as possible?
We took the journey. These statistics hit home because the littlest statistic is very real to us.
The fact is, you don’t get many guarantees with foster care.
These children are not adopted – you don’t get to take them in and be left alone. You deal with birth families and workers, with the legal construct of fostering. The children themselves may often have issues.
But you can work towards some certainty, before you foster:
Is there a long-term order for the child? Would you be taking them on long-term? Does this mean until the age of 18 or of ‘maturity’?
What are the birth family circumstances? Is a birth parent working towards getting the children back in a realistic and meaningful way?
What’s the agency’s long term goal? Are they aiming for restitution or permanency planning for the child? What do they see your role as?
Is the placement long term and will the agency support that?
So to all those prospective foster parents - you want guarantees the child is with you to stay? Then get in there and fight for them. Take them in, care for them, love them, bond with them, become their parent. Then you won’t need guarantees, you’ll make them. You’ll face anyone who thinks moving this child might be an option with steely eyed determination. For you are their parent. And for the first time in their lives, these children have an adult to advocate for them. Not just mouth the words, but really do it. With love and care and something at stake.
You have to decide whether you are fostering for you, or for them?
Posted by EssentialMum
The first paragraph states ‘Tens of thousands of affluent, educated and responsible couples are ready to take the nation’s abused and neglected children into their care, if only they could be guaranteed that the children would be allowed to stay’.
What an absolute tragedy.
There are tens of thousands of couples that might have missed out on what may be the most rewarding journey of their life? And, more importantly, there are thousands of children who might have found a life with wonderful parents?
Will better education and communication change the perspective of some of those potential carers? Maybe the ‘system’ needs to make a call earlier for some children and place them in a ‘permanent’ home as soon as possible?
We took the journey. These statistics hit home because the littlest statistic is very real to us.
The fact is, you don’t get many guarantees with foster care.
These children are not adopted – you don’t get to take them in and be left alone. You deal with birth families and workers, with the legal construct of fostering. The children themselves may often have issues.
But you can work towards some certainty, before you foster:
Is there a long-term order for the child? Would you be taking them on long-term? Does this mean until the age of 18 or of ‘maturity’?
What are the birth family circumstances? Is a birth parent working towards getting the children back in a realistic and meaningful way?
What’s the agency’s long term goal? Are they aiming for restitution or permanency planning for the child? What do they see your role as?
Is the placement long term and will the agency support that?
So to all those prospective foster parents - you want guarantees the child is with you to stay? Then get in there and fight for them. Take them in, care for them, love them, bond with them, become their parent. Then you won’t need guarantees, you’ll make them. You’ll face anyone who thinks moving this child might be an option with steely eyed determination. For you are their parent. And for the first time in their lives, these children have an adult to advocate for them. Not just mouth the words, but really do it. With love and care and something at stake.
You have to decide whether you are fostering for you, or for them?
Posted by EssentialMum