purpose
When do we listen to the children?
Well done to Jenny Brockie and her team for the Insight program on Kids on Divorce.
While we think it is one of the most thought-provoking shows on the box, sometimes the dive is way too shallow. Just when you think the issue is finally open, the show finishes. And presenting one perspective, while powerful, can leave a viewer wondering what the other ‘side’ is. Some of the comments on the website suggest that there is another perspective.
But Brockie and Co should be giving lessons, for they are doing what too many institutions, and individuals, have failed to do for a long time now.
They are listening.
In Brockie’s case, she asks people what they actually think. And in this episode the kids had a view on divorce and its impact on them.
LISTEN
Where does the system give the secondary players (that would be the minor children) a say? Too often they are deemed too young to know what’s best for them. But their behaviour will often tell you that what is happening to them isn’t good.
LISTEN
And yet no one asks them their view. Or if they are asked there is no follow through. We once counselled a senior corporate executive that IF he asked the question then he needed to SHOW how he was acting on the answers.
LISTEN
Children might know what they want today. And then tomorrow they want something different. That’s the nature of small people. But if you spend enough time with them, you will hear a consistent message.
LISTEN
Too often the system pays lip service to listening, and then marshals all the research to tell the individual why they are wrong. Anyone who’s done at least a year at uni knows that you can make the statistics say just about anything if you try hard enough and ask the right questions.
LISTEN
How about listening to the individual? We need a system that stops dragging people to the average. The most amazing comment we ever heard was from a private agency senior manager who told us that neither the Camper nor we were unique. Well my dear, we’ve got news for you. We are. We’re happy to say that there is no one else EXACTLY the same as us in the world. That makes us unique. You wanted to classify us as average so we would fit the statistics and do as you said.
LISTEN
We watched a DOCS worker sit beside a very young child in out of home care, and listen. She asked thoughtful questions, heard the answers, asked some careful and gentle follow up questions. It was done with such care and skill that we were mightily impressed. So if one person in the system can do it, why can’t everyone?
LISTEN
We don’t raise Happy Camper using statistics and averages. We use our love for her, our knowledge of her, and our desire to see her become the person she deserves to be. And so far, all reports from those in ‘the system’ are that she’s going fabulously. Have we proven ourselves? How about listening to us too?
While we think it is one of the most thought-provoking shows on the box, sometimes the dive is way too shallow. Just when you think the issue is finally open, the show finishes. And presenting one perspective, while powerful, can leave a viewer wondering what the other ‘side’ is. Some of the comments on the website suggest that there is another perspective.
But Brockie and Co should be giving lessons, for they are doing what too many institutions, and individuals, have failed to do for a long time now.
They are listening.
In Brockie’s case, she asks people what they actually think. And in this episode the kids had a view on divorce and its impact on them.
LISTEN
Where does the system give the secondary players (that would be the minor children) a say? Too often they are deemed too young to know what’s best for them. But their behaviour will often tell you that what is happening to them isn’t good.
LISTEN
And yet no one asks them their view. Or if they are asked there is no follow through. We once counselled a senior corporate executive that IF he asked the question then he needed to SHOW how he was acting on the answers.
LISTEN
Children might know what they want today. And then tomorrow they want something different. That’s the nature of small people. But if you spend enough time with them, you will hear a consistent message.
LISTEN
Too often the system pays lip service to listening, and then marshals all the research to tell the individual why they are wrong. Anyone who’s done at least a year at uni knows that you can make the statistics say just about anything if you try hard enough and ask the right questions.
LISTEN
How about listening to the individual? We need a system that stops dragging people to the average. The most amazing comment we ever heard was from a private agency senior manager who told us that neither the Camper nor we were unique. Well my dear, we’ve got news for you. We are. We’re happy to say that there is no one else EXACTLY the same as us in the world. That makes us unique. You wanted to classify us as average so we would fit the statistics and do as you said.
LISTEN
We watched a DOCS worker sit beside a very young child in out of home care, and listen. She asked thoughtful questions, heard the answers, asked some careful and gentle follow up questions. It was done with such care and skill that we were mightily impressed. So if one person in the system can do it, why can’t everyone?
LISTEN
We don’t raise Happy Camper using statistics and averages. We use our love for her, our knowledge of her, and our desire to see her become the person she deserves to be. And so far, all reports from those in ‘the system’ are that she’s going fabulously. Have we proven ourselves? How about listening to us too?
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'Why would you want to become a foster carer?'
As I continue down my journey of learning and thinking (and wondering whether foster care is the right thing for me) the most common reaction I am confronted with is “why would you want to do that?”.
Somehow my life has become public property and everyone is free to give their opinion on my decision to become a foster carer.
There’re some who have said 'surely life’s not that bad'. Well, no, it’s good, really good, and that’s why I want to share it with a child who is not so fortunate.
Some have said, 'Don’t worry you’ll meet someone eventually'. Well I haven’t yet. But that’s not really the point.
Others have said 'Aha, that’s why you moved to the suburbs and bought a bigger house'. To be perfectly honest, there’s an element of truth in that – maybe I have created space for a family I don’t yet have. But then, life experience tells me there’s something to be said for stepping out in faith and waiting for circumstances to move in your direction.
The more complete response is that I believe I have something to give and I think that not only is this an opportunity for me to give something back and contribute in a very practical way, but fostering will also be an opportunity for me to grow and enrich my life. Plus I do love a challenge - and this will be the biggest challenge I have ever faced.
So what is it that causes this range of responses in people – people I know really well and people I don’t know at all?
On reflection, I think they find it threatening. Foster care is a new concept for a lot of people and is most likely something they’ve never considered. They can’t bring themselves to imagine why anyone would want to foster.
There’s an old adage – seek first to understand, then to be understood. Ask people what they find so intriguing or confronting about fostering. You both might just learn something.
Unless you know someone who fosters, it’s difficult to even start to appreciate what it’s all about. While I knew friends at school whose families did short term foster care, I didn’t really know anything about fostering until my cousin decided to foster. And lots of people I’ve met on my journey thus far found out about fostering through friends.
Foster care may not be well understood, but the need is there and foster care is going on all around us through the efforts of many generous families and people who care. And in the end that’s the most important ingredient – to care!
Posted by Dorothy
Somehow my life has become public property and everyone is free to give their opinion on my decision to become a foster carer.
There’re some who have said 'surely life’s not that bad'. Well, no, it’s good, really good, and that’s why I want to share it with a child who is not so fortunate.
Some have said, 'Don’t worry you’ll meet someone eventually'. Well I haven’t yet. But that’s not really the point.
Others have said 'Aha, that’s why you moved to the suburbs and bought a bigger house'. To be perfectly honest, there’s an element of truth in that – maybe I have created space for a family I don’t yet have. But then, life experience tells me there’s something to be said for stepping out in faith and waiting for circumstances to move in your direction.
The more complete response is that I believe I have something to give and I think that not only is this an opportunity for me to give something back and contribute in a very practical way, but fostering will also be an opportunity for me to grow and enrich my life. Plus I do love a challenge - and this will be the biggest challenge I have ever faced.
So what is it that causes this range of responses in people – people I know really well and people I don’t know at all?
On reflection, I think they find it threatening. Foster care is a new concept for a lot of people and is most likely something they’ve never considered. They can’t bring themselves to imagine why anyone would want to foster.
There’s an old adage – seek first to understand, then to be understood. Ask people what they find so intriguing or confronting about fostering. You both might just learn something.
Unless you know someone who fosters, it’s difficult to even start to appreciate what it’s all about. While I knew friends at school whose families did short term foster care, I didn’t really know anything about fostering until my cousin decided to foster. And lots of people I’ve met on my journey thus far found out about fostering through friends.
Foster care may not be well understood, but the need is there and foster care is going on all around us through the efforts of many generous families and people who care. And in the end that’s the most important ingredient – to care!
Posted by Dorothy
Conversations
07/01/2008 16:16 Filed in: general | EssentialMum
What kind of conversations might we have?
Here are some questions that have come up along our journey. Questions we wanted answers to from other carers or some independent experts.
• What are the options for access and who can be there to support me?
• How flexible can I expect the system to be?
• Who determines the routine? Should my social worker set the rules or is it by mutual agreement?
• What do I do if I don’t agree with the way things are going? Do I have a right of recourse or reply?
• How do I handle childcare?
• How do I sort out financial support?
• What happens if I can’t attend the agency provided support meetings?
• What happens when the best interests of my foster child seem at odds with those of the birth family or vice versa?
• How do you juggle the needs of DoCS and your social worker, while holding down a full time job?
• I feel administration weary, is that normal?
• Of course my social worker needs to check how things are going, but what is a normal level of interaction and oversight?
• Can my broader family and support network help out where needed and who do I need to inform?
• My foster child is starting school, how do I help them communicate their unique family relationships?
• Who needs to know about our foster care arrangements - the school, the dentist, my neighbour?
• What are the arrangements for taking holidays?
• How do I find out about my foster child’s history? Is there medical or other important information that I need to know and how do I get access to that?
• What’s the best approach when my foster child asks questions about their past?
• What records of my foster child’s time with me do I need to keep?
• What are the legal rules and guidelines that I need to know about?
• What are the changes that have impacted the foster care area, such as the amendments to the Adoption Act? What do they mean for my foster child?
• Where do I go for more information?
We hope that as the site - and community – matures, carers will use it to ask questions and seek feedback from others. Grand plan hey?
Posted by EssentialMum
Here are some questions that have come up along our journey. Questions we wanted answers to from other carers or some independent experts.
• What are the options for access and who can be there to support me?
• How flexible can I expect the system to be?
• Who determines the routine? Should my social worker set the rules or is it by mutual agreement?
• What do I do if I don’t agree with the way things are going? Do I have a right of recourse or reply?
• How do I handle childcare?
• How do I sort out financial support?
• What happens if I can’t attend the agency provided support meetings?
• What happens when the best interests of my foster child seem at odds with those of the birth family or vice versa?
• How do you juggle the needs of DoCS and your social worker, while holding down a full time job?
• I feel administration weary, is that normal?
• Of course my social worker needs to check how things are going, but what is a normal level of interaction and oversight?
• Can my broader family and support network help out where needed and who do I need to inform?
• My foster child is starting school, how do I help them communicate their unique family relationships?
• Who needs to know about our foster care arrangements - the school, the dentist, my neighbour?
• What are the arrangements for taking holidays?
• How do I find out about my foster child’s history? Is there medical or other important information that I need to know and how do I get access to that?
• What’s the best approach when my foster child asks questions about their past?
• What records of my foster child’s time with me do I need to keep?
• What are the legal rules and guidelines that I need to know about?
• What are the changes that have impacted the foster care area, such as the amendments to the Adoption Act? What do they mean for my foster child?
• Where do I go for more information?
We hope that as the site - and community – matures, carers will use it to ask questions and seek feedback from others. Grand plan hey?
Posted by EssentialMum