What should you call the birth parent?

So, access for a child in care is all about the child, right? You might go along, but you take a back seat. After all, they aren't related to you.

Some sound advice from a wise worker resonated with us. We think it can contribute to a child's wellbeing in any placement, long or short term. She talked about the importance of maintaining the relationship between foster family and birth family. That is, the adults in the relationship.

She said that foster and birth parents should connect in some way.

You both share an interest in this child after all. But this can be more easily said than done, depending on the birth family and the social workers.

Birth family will almost always have baggage, most of it acquired long before the foster parents came on the scene. While understanding what’s going on can be like working in the dark without your infrared goggles, the birth parent is not your responsibility.

Another complicating factor can be workers who have an agenda about how they think the foster carer/birth family relationship should run. They might discuss this with you, but they might not. You might only see it when the workers try to take control of the relationship between birth family and child. This may range from an active role for the worker at an access visit, to very explicit instructions to your foster child regarding how they interact with their birth family. You, the carer, might even be told not to come to access.

So here are the reasons we think that worker had it right. Apart from the excellent lesson of seeing adults act like adults:

• The child sees it is not a competition between adults for his or her affection.
• The birth family does not see it as a competition for the child’s affection.
• The child does not feel torn between the two families.
• You develop a good line of communication with birth family.
• You can talk to birth family about any issues that are impacting the child.
• Birth family will listen to you talk about issues that impact the child.
• The child sees that you are willing to really talk with the birth family.
• If the adolescent child doesn’t want any contact with birth family you are able to maintain it, until such time as they are ready to resume it.

After all, these people are linked by blood to the person you have grown to care about or love. Whatever your view of birth family, the child in your care deserves that you treat that relationship with respect.