Working with birth families

The family circumstances may have changed, but often the adults cling ferociously to their rights and their status. It is behind many custody battles in the courts, and sometimes an objective reading of it shows clearly that the child is coming off worst.

Dealing with expectations is not uncommon in dealing with birth families.

• You may find you have a birth parent who still wants to ‘parent’.
• You may have a birth parent who feels strongly about their status as parent.
• You may have a birth parent who actively tells your child in care that they still play a role. For an older child or a child likely to be reunited with their birth parent, that’s great. If you have a child who is with you until they are 18 or more, it can be very confronting. For a little one who may not know this birth parent very well, it can be terrifying.

You do need to step in.

You need to be clear about the type of relationship that is appropriate for your foster child. Just as contact with a birth parent is about your child accepting reality, a birth parent needs to accept reality as well. Their relationship changed when the child moved from their care. They need to adjust to that. It might be very hard for them to put the child first. But you must.

A child who has maintained contact with a birth parent can deepen that relationship as they get older. But it should happen when the child is ready to cope with it and wants it, not because all the adults in the relationship are so intent on maintaining ‘their rights’ that the children come last.