At what age can a child make a 'decision'?

A decision about what? Before we launch off, let’s refine that question a bit.

There is often reporting in the press of children trying to juggle the needs of both parents after a marriage breakdown. Yes, you heard right – the children often do the juggling – emotions, loyalty, sheer tiredness, change of homes. Unfortunately the decision often seems to pay little regard to what the children want. ‘But they are children’, you say? ‘They are too young to know what’s best for them’.

As a foster parent your child may well be juggling contact with a birth family and life with you. Depending on their age and the circumstances you may also find loyalty issues, emotions and stress come from that contact.

So at what age is a child able to offer a valid viewpoint on their contact with a non-custodial parent?

Is it 12 (mentioned in the Adoption Act) or younger? Do younger children, in certain circumstances, actually know what they need?

Our role, as second parents who love the child, is to prepare that child for life. That means:

• teaching them to have an opinion.
• teaching them how to express that opinion. Given these children have many more players in their lives than the 'average', it is a good skill to acquire.
• teaching a child how to express what they are feeling, which helps them explore and inderstand their reactions.
• guiding a child on how to manage those reactions.
• preparing the child for each time they are going to react that way.
• teaching the child what control looks like.
• helping the child see their circumstances as part of life and not the defining characteristic.

Having an opinion is a fundamental first step to making a decision.

Creating and forming opinions, and the two way interaction that usually follows, teaches a child what a decision looks like.

We suspect that the adults in ‘the system’, from workers to the judiciary, need to listen a lot more carefully to the small people.